Our Soothsayer, Rude, will offer weekly tidbits of guidance to your questions about men, women, jobs, work, and anything else you can think of. Feel free to direct your questions to:rude@thamike.com or click here.

Rude operates the RudeUniverse, a collection of websites that allow you to gripe on just about any subject.

Q: Dear Rude,

How can I tell if my boyfriend is cheating on me? What should I do?

~ Don't wanna be a sucker ~


A: Dear Sucker,

For starters, why are you worried about whether or not he's cheating on you? Are you giving him a reason to cheat on you by talking during sports?

There are a lot of reasons for a man to cheat on his lady, most of which are simply her own damn fault. If your man has a special request for you during intimate times and you won't give in, you can bet he'll find someone who will. If your man wants you to make out with one of your sexy friends and you won't even ask her to consider it, there's a good chance he'll make out with her and another one of her friends, instead.

As you can tell from the examples, a lot of the reasons why men cheat are very basic... And very much the fault of the woman that he dates. You owe it to your man to step up and give him what he's asking for--at least he's asking you, and you should consider that to be a warning right there.

Not all signs of cheating from a man are obvious, but there are a few that you should be aware of. If your boyfriend only visits you the night before or after "guys night out" and only takes you out to establishments that are out of the way or not well trafficked by people in your age group, there's a good chance that he's got something up his sleeve. If your boyfriend requires that you phone him first before stopping by--which any woman with respect for her man should do anyway--you know that he's got something going on. If your boyfriend only has a pager number and hasn't ever brought you to his place after 2 years of dating, there's a good chance he's married, has several children and is just using you as a resource for some strange kinky sex on the side.

If any of the above are the case, I recommend you contact Cheaters, a highly popular show shown late nights on less-popular cable TV networks like your local UPN station on Saturday evenings, late. Tommy Grand used to host the show with his wirebrush salt-n-pepper hair, but he got fired with some degree of skepticism--the press release stated that it was "Time to enhance the host position", and he was replaced with a young pup who goes by Joey Greco, a 26 year old no-name actor who got stabbed at the end of last season for a great cliffhanger effect! You should sign the petition to bring back Tommy Grand, who's real last name is Habeeb. Joey Greco is somewhat amusing, but he's no Tommy Grand, with the in-your-face attack that would get cheating significant others into a frothy madness and turn any public place into an instant Jerry Springer set.

You see, men don't like being caught cheating--especially on tape, but you can at least see how much your man cares about you by bringing a camera crew after him and see how quickly he covers up what's happening with his "cousin" who just happens to be "resting her head" in his lap because "she's tired" or something witty like that. A really creative cover-up will show just how much he cares about you.

If he really loves you, she'll at least be a lot more attractive than you and a freak in the sack.

To summarize, if you don't want your man to cheat on you, get prettier and loosen up your panty strings.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Rude

Direct your questions to: rude@thamike.com or click here