| Powell's deputy
said in a released statement) and Count
Chocula (who “promotes a lenient
attitude towards homosexual marriages,”
according to the FCC). The first inklings
of misdeeds in advertising arose after
the suicide of the Trix Rabbit two months
ago.
Trixie Rabbit (real name Arthur Herskowitz,
57), was found hanging from his ceiling
fan on February 3, with a note attached
saying he “just couldn't take
the taunting” anymore. After years
of unsuccessfully trying to get his
paws on Trix Cereal, the rabbit wrote,
“it turned out the Trix were on
me after all. Silly rabbit...goodbye
cruel world!”
Since then, the Justice Department has
mounted a full-scale investigation into
the seedy world of TV pitchmen, and
the FCC has responded by cracking down
on countless advertisements, which it
deems offensive. Just last week, Uncle
Ben was fined for projecting a stereotypical
image of a subservient black man. And
the Pillsbury Doughboy is considering
bringing charges against his employers
for years of what he calls “rampant
abuse” at the fingers of countless
actors and actresses.
“I can't connect with my kids
anymore, I get sick when my wife tries
to touch me,” a weeping Doughboy
testified on the stand Thursday, “and
I tense up at the very mention of cinnamon
rolls.”
The crackdown on indecent content isn't
likely to end any time soon, either.
Powell announced that he was trying
to raise the monetary level of fines
for obscenity, so as to better pursue
the “filth littering our airwaves
and grocery shelves.” The Gorton's
Fisherman and his longtime companion,
Mrs. Paul are due to testify before
the Special Committee for Indecency
in Advertising in June, with the shadow
of a $36,000 “Illegitimate Residency”
fine hanging over them. And in a shocking
move last March, the Keebler Elves were
evicted from their magical tree house
for undisclosed reasons. When asked
for comment, Toll House simply said
that any rumors of “special ingredients”
in the cookies were purely false.
Special representatives for the advertising
community were unveiled to the public
last week, in an effort to turn attention
away from their fellow spokesmen and
back onto the FCC's sudden zeal for
prosecution. “We fully expect
to have to fight the FCC tooth and nail,”
Mayor McCheese said at the news conference.
We have the finest law firm in town
behind us (Grimace, Ronald McDonald,
and Hamburglar), and we've got our own
dirt on the government.
When asked to elaborate further, the
Mayor turned the microphone over to
the Hamburglar, who gurgled something
unintelligible.
Written
& Submitted by
Trev Danger
|
