My First Entry

Today is 20 Jan 2014.  It is hard for me to believe that it has been almost six weeks since my wife and I lost our daughter.  Since this is my first attempt at this I will have to go back into the reason that I started this BLOG.   Today will be a very general post.  I hope that in the future I will better be able to organize my thoughts and feelings.  I am a retired military man living in Germany.  I am married to a wonderful German woman.  We have been together over 15 years.  We had a wonderful daughter that was our entire life.

Ciarra Joi Rhodes, “CJ”,  was 13 years old when she ended her life by suicide.  She was not a mean and horrible unhappy young lady.  She was a very dynamic and giving person.  She was loved by many and she always will be.  I do not feel up to going into the details at this point.  Perhaps this will change in the future.  The reason that I have decided to write anything at all is that my wife thinks that it could be therapy for me.  I am not even sure what to write but I will start.

Trying to deal with the suicide of our daughter is unimaginable!  We are riding this wave of depression and sadness at all times.  There are times of clarity when I actually can see a future.  These times do not seem to last very long.  I am very lucky that I have my beautiful wife to lean on.  Thus far, we have been able to be there for each other.  I do not see this changing.  The need that I have for her is overwhelming at times.  Our life has changed and will never again be what we thought that it was going to be.  Our future is day to day and hour by hour at this time.

We are extremely lucky to have so many people that care about us and that are there for us.  We are only alone when we chose to be.  We have learned many things over the last almost six weeks.  We are blessed in many ways.  It is very hard to see this at times though.  We can be among a large group of people and still feel very alone.  we know that others are feeling this pain also.  But, not on our level!

I will continue to post my feelings here. Today I am feeling ok.  I hope it stays this way.  I do not expect it too though.  I have realized that tis is also ok.  I have to be able to react to the many feelings that are inside.  We have professional help and it is needed.

I miss you Ciarra!  Daddy loves you!  My Baby


About Dusty

I am the father of Ciarra Joi "CJ" Rhodes. I am the man blessed to have 13 and a half years with my beautiful daughter. I am also the survivor of her teenage suicide. I miss her every minute of every day! I hope this site will keep her memory alive and maybe help others.

7 thoughts on “My First Entry

  1. Stay strong, you are all in our hearts, minds and prayers.

  2. Barry Shriver

    Hello Dusty,
    This page is a great idea! A way to help yourself and remember what a beautiful daughter you had. I myself have 6 children and cannot imagine having to go through what you and your family has gone through.
    Our thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
    Take care!


  3. Teresa Maass

    Thank you so much for sharing. I am a Canadian living in Germany ( German husband) with a teenage daughter. Suicide and depression is a daily topic with my daughter and her friends. So many girls at this age are cutting themselves or attempting suicide. It is very hard to know where it is coming from and why. I find it really great that you are sharing your experiences . I hope you both find the strength to get through day by day.

    • Thank you for taking the time to visit this site. There is so much I have learned about Teen Suicide over the past weeks. It is way too common. Our aim is to help bring this too light and to help others if we can.

      Again thank you.

  4. Pell

    It takes a lot of strength and courage to go ahead and write about what you feel and what is going through your mind Dusty. You and your wife are blessed with each other and I know that you both will be there for one another through this more than difficult time. You both have great friends and a big community that care for you both and will support you in any way they can. Having professional help will help both of you as well. I got to know you as a very caring Father, an upright and loving Husband and a great man. I wish there was something I could do to help both of you and I know there are about 500 other people that feel the same. You two are not and never will be alone, we will always be therefor both of you. Stay strong….

  5. Thorsten

    Hi Dusty,

    Rebecca and Me keep all of you in our heart,minds and Prayers!
    Stay Strong we will allway`s be there for you and Tina!

  6. Tammy

    Dear Martina and Dusty
    This page is so full of love, emotions and feelings…I have no words for ….thanks for sharing it
    You both are always in my heart and in my mind and I hope you know,
    I will be there for you
    Kisses and hugs
    Nie erfahren wir unser Leben stärker, als in großer Liebe und in tiefer Trauer

    Do not stand at my grave and weep,
    I am not there, I do not sleep.

    I am a thousand winds that blow.
    I am the diamond glint on snow.
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
    I am the gentle autumn rain.

    When you wake in the morning hush,
    I am the swift, uplifting rush
    Of quiet birds in circling flight.
    I am the soft starlight at night.

    Do not stand at my grave and weep.
    I am not there, I do not sleep.
    Do not stand at my grave and cry.
    I am not there, I did not die!

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