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By thamike.com
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"Kool-Aid Man Bursts Through Wall, Maims Children."

SACRAMENTO, CA - It was just another sunny day in Sacramento for ten year old Billy Howard and his friends. Normal that is, until Billy and several of his pals were aching for some refreshment.

"I... I said I wanted something 'sweet,' and Robert (age eight) was looking the fridge and said 'Hey! Kool-Aid!'" And that's when it happened: A two-hundred gallon pitcher of the sweet stuff burst through the wall, pelting Billy, Robert, and friends with debris and exclaiming, "OH YEEEAH!

"He totally fucking beasted us!" Exclaimed Daniel, the seventeen year old boy watching over Billy and his friends when the incident occurred. "Robert was trapped underfoot, and the rest of us were knocked out or dead. That bastard was happy about what he'd done, he was actually SMILING the entire time. He can't get away with this shit."

But, despite police's best efforts, he just may have. The Kool-Aid Man was last seen fleeing the scene of the crime. As his innards sloshed about within the pitcher he screamed, "OH YEEEEAH!! I CAN'T WASH THE BLOOD OFF MY HANDS!!"

No word yet about his current whereabouts, but it is suspected that he is hiding with fellow multiple felon and close friend, Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch mascot. Wanted for a total of over three-hundred and fifty separate accounts of assault and battery, various crimes against nature, murder, and sexual assault, there is a combined bounty of $250,000 on the duo's heads for anyone who can give a tip leading to an arrest.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Michael


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