Aries
(March21-April 19)
Chinese mythology holds giraffes as
mythical creatures. If you want good
luck this week, you should pet a giraffe.
If you want good luck all year, you
should sneak into the pen at the zoo
and hump the hell out of one before
they put them away for the winter.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This is the week you e-mail the President
and tell him about how you have been
learning to make explosives from household
chemicals to do your part to keep the
country safe from terrorists.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Now that Superman is dead, it might
be a good time to bust out the ole leotard
and get your ass out fighting some crime.
The stars say you should start honing
your skills in Detroit this week.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
With winter coming, you should try keeping
some nuts in your cheeks like the squirrels
do. I just happen to have some here.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your man is cheating on you and you
should dump that leach as soon as you
can. But you might want to get the nude
photos first so they can't be posted
online.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
So, you're a Virgo huh? Man, sucks to
be you!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
The stars are showing me that you should
buy a nice mountain cottage in Washington
State. Coincidentally, I have a nice
property near Mt. Saint Helens. Give
me a call.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Take your finger out of your ass, you
don't know where it's been.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
A tall dark stranger will walk into
your life Friday night, he'll walk back
out of it 14 minutes later after you
blow him.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You smell terrific for someone with
a gangrenous leg.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Stay out of the projects on Tuesday.
They don't really like the white folk.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your dog will run away on Friday. Great
news though! I just saved 15% by switching
to Geico Direct!!!
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |