WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to doctors from Johns Hopkins, President George W. Bush has been suffering flashbacks to his time of service during the Trojan War conflict, some three millennia after the actual event. At this time the White House is mum on why exactly the president should be suffering such delusions.
 
"We think it may be a manifestation of his guilt over ducking service in Vietnam," Joe Lockhart of the Kerry/Edwards campaign said to the press Tuesday. "He just felt so bad that he had to manufacture a wholelyfictional war record to stand behind, and have nightmares about."
 
Bush spokesman Sean Hannity took time out from his busy schedule of killing off perceived "enemies" of the state to rant that "President Bush says he's having flashbacks that haunt him, and I believe him. You never hear John Kerry rant and rave about any of his Trojan War flashbacks, now do you?" Hannity then proceeded to cut down a Redwood with his bare hands, before cackling madly into the night.
 
Experts say that Bush, who was born in 1946, is chronologically unable to experience any flashbacks to events such as the Trojan War. Indeed, previous evidence showed that the president had been unable to recall events prior to 1986, when he became a born-again Christian after decades of partying and doping. So the president's recent relapses into what he calls "the golden age of brave Ulysses" strikes most as questionable.
 
According to medical records released in conjunction with the Johns Hopkins press conference, Bush had claimed that he was "a bloodthirsty Greek spear thrower" who came to Troy with a company from Sparta. He talked for hours on end of various scenes from his days as a soldier, including the decision to supposedly "sail for the isle of Lesbos" on the tip that many available women lived there.
 
Further into his sessions, Bush recalled seeing the ancient beauty Helen of Troy, who "was just plain homely" in the president's eyes. Bush said he was at the scene for the death of Achilles, and that he had been one of the chosen to ride into the city in the fabled Trojan Horse.
 
Experts strongly believe that Bush is not capable of having served in the Trojan War, and much of the more mythical claims he has made (such as the interference of several gods and goddesses of ancient Greek culture) are dismissed as "simple superstition". There is a school of thought that Bush may have experienced his flashbacks as a way of discovering a past life, or that he simply had too much Chow Mein from the Chinese place around the corner while watching the summer flop "Troy" and confused his memories of the film with actual experiences he may have had. At this point, it's hard for experts to tell.
 
President Bush has been ordered by his doctors to begin a treatment for his visions with medicinal marijuana. Johns Hopkins officials add that having the president "toke up" will have no side effects, other than an appetite for hot dogs and a desire to invade other countries simply because he can.
 
Bush was last seen in public Thursday, when he had to be restrained by security guards at his own campaign event. Bush claimed that he wished to return to his lovely Penelope on the island of Ithica, but managed to get as far as Ithica, New York. The White House staff is under orders not to discuss "anything Greek or things of this nature" in Bush's presence for at least a week after he starts his treatment.

Written & Submitted by
Trev Danger, Washington Correspondent