| Fuck EU, Europe
Last week in this column, I mentioned
a sport European's call football.
We Americans like to call it soccer,
when we talk about it at all.
Which fortunately, is not often.
Usually, it's only to say things like,
"I was having trouble falling asleep
last night, luckily ESPN2 was showing
soccer." Or, "How did it feel
when that rabid badger bit you in the
face? It was about as enjoyable
as soccer." Anyway, tons
of annoying, European people took the
time to unhitch their oxen, and come
in from the fields to "educate
me" about soccer.
"We call it football because we
use our feet." They all whined.
Yes, but aren't you wearing socks on
those
feet? Socks? Soccer? I rest
my case.
Like most Americans I have no use for
Europe, especially since we built such
a swell version of it at Epcot, not
to mention the one we built in Las Vegas.
Superior to actual Europe in terms of
rides, as well as buffets, both of these
versions of Europe include things that
appear to be kryptonite to most real
Europeans; manners, toothpaste, and
deodorant.
Yes I said manners. Europeans
are rude. They refuse to speak
English. And the ones who do speak
English speak it poorly or with a funny
accent. We didn't save your pusillanimous
asses from Hitler to put up with this
kind of piss poor attitude.
I understand that most Europeans hate
Americans. Good. We hate
you more. You have nothing that we want.
Legalized prostitution? We have
it, not to mention all of the slutty
American girls giving it away for free.
Crumbling ruins? Look at our inner
cities. People speaking foreign
languages? Get
in a cab. Which brings me to another
point. If you all hate America so much,
will you please stop coming? I
don't think they have patrol boats off
the coast of Spain picking up flimsy
rafts full of Americans trying to sneak
into Europe so they can start a better
life.
When I walk through my estate it's like
a tour of Europe. My butler is
English, my maids are French, and my
gardeners all speak some kind of gibberish
so I assume they're from Europe, too.
I would ask them, but like I said they
all speak gibberish. Not to mention
the fact that like all of my employees,
any of them trying to speak directly
to me will be taken away and fed to
the hounds. Anyway, my chauffer
is German and my bodyguards are all
from Belgium. Belgians, are surprisingly
resilient.
I guess there are some good things about
Europe, like EuroDisney, and I hear
they've built a Hard Rock Cafe.
But other than that I think it's pointless,
and much too far to be of any use to
anyone.
Written
& Submitted by
Gary
From TSHIRTHELL.com
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