Aries
(March21-April 19)
The expression... "Excuse me waiter,
there's a Penis in my soup!" will
easily flow off your tongue on Thursday.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Buyer beware... Or in your case... GET
THE FUCK OUT of that car dealership
as fast as possible. If you don't you
will die in a fireball of a explosion
when a school bus rear ends your new/used
Pinto.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Just cause you're Latino, don't let
the kids at school trick you into being
the Pinyata.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
27 toothless midgets will gum you to
death.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Sometimes it's great to be you. Not
this Saturday though... You will die.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake
up, do a bunch of stuff and then go
back to sleep.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
I don't like Libra's! I wish you all
would get AIDS and fuck each other to
death... Holy shit! My crystal ball
shows me that this will in fact happen
sooner than I thought. Thank you crystal
ball!
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
John Kerry likes sandwiches. Mmmmm sandwiches...
I'm hungry!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Promising your mom that you will not
have unprotected sex with your girlfriend
is ok. However make sure you have unprotected
sex with that goat on Tuesday. It will
feel terrific you goat fucker.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Test your radon levels in your house,
it's probably why you can't get her
preggers. It's also probably has something
to do with your 3 headed iguana.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Tempest Fuget (Time Flies) when your
not in prison. Stay away from all banks
on Friday.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
It's 5:01pm and the stars told me to
write a cryptic message here that is
very important and significant to the
out come of your very existence. Sorry,
I only work from 9am -5pm.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |