Nevada - The plot of
a low-budget adult film entitled Last
of The Muff divers is apparently too
distracting for anyone to enjoy the
nude sex scenes, according to local
video clerk David Farren.
Farren, 29, the third-shift manager
at the Naughty Nurse Video Gallery,
had taken the new release home with
the intention of writing a review for
his webzine Better Cums and Hard-ons,
but says that the plot of the film was
too silly and hard to follow for him
to fully enjoy the all-female love scenes.
When I got it home, I expected some
sort of 'Last of The Mohicans' knock-off,
Farren told reporters Tuesday. But instead,
it's some sort of sci-fi bullshit, in
which the main lead is some sort of
space alien sent to earth to 'lesbianize'
all the women. I mean, is 'lesbianize'
even a word?
Farren says that the film devolved early
on into various scenes of running from
the lesbian alien, and very little time
paid to the actual 'takeover' that involved
oral sex. I was thoroughly disappointed.
The film, recorded between March 30th
and 31st of this year, stars Donna DeLicko
as the title Muff diver, who lands in
what looks like downtown Milwaukee and
proceeds to lure various young women
to join her lesbian creed. Farren admits
while the plot was too much at times,
too over-the-top even for a porno, the
sex scenes were mildly interesting.
Vivid Videos, who backed the production,
said in a written statement that they
were unaware that any problems with
the plot would take away from a viewer's
'enjoyment' of the sex scenes, but has
promised to look into the possibility
of releasing a uncomplicated version
of the film sometime before Christmas.
The film had been through several re-writes,
according to screenwriter Vince Greasio.
We weren't really sure if the sex scenes
came in naturally enough. I mean, who
has sex with someone they just met,
who is wandering around downtown Milwaukee
in a negligee during winter? But we
apparently went too far in our quest
Farren, however, disputes Greasio's
claims. It's a porno, for God's sake.
The main character is always supposed
to be getting it on with strangers.
That's where the appeal lies, not with
some crap about 'The Enchanted Crystal
of Sappho' or allusions to existentialism.
I'm a college grad, but even I had trouble
keeping up with the symbolism!
Farren plans to write a scathing review
of Muff divers, but he is optimistic
about the next film he's picked to review
(Cat woman Unleashed, an x-rated take
on the current film Napoleon Dynamite).
He told this reporter that only time
will tell, but I do feel I can get the
synth soundtrack (of 'Muff Divers')
out of my head by the end of the day.
It'll all be okay.
& Submitted by
Trev Danger, Resident Pervert (And
That's Saying Something)