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By thamike.com
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Fat Chance
by Chance McKracken

This was an exciting week in Hollywood! The police found Ted Casablanca dead and missing his tongue in a West Hollywood alleyway with six hypodermic needles stuck in his eye sockets, and Cameron Diaz bought a pair of shoes! Meanwhile, I witnessed a crusty yet kiss-able Leo DiCaprio eating pancakes at the Griddle on Sunset! Jealous? You didn’t miss much. That squinty no-talent hunk with the ability to single-handedly destroy a cinematic work of art wasn’t looking his most sphincter-clenchingly hot! What kind of trucker hat is that, Di-Crustio? Looks like someone has a case of the “Mondays.”

Item! Did you know that within the next 8 years, 1 in every 30 American males between the ages of 25 and 35, including myself, will have had robotic emotionless sex with Tara Reid? You heard it here first!

But wait! There’s more! Fantastic boobs or not, Jessica Simpson would probably serve humanity better as a food source!

I’m not done yet, girlfriend! Time for a little “You didn’t hear? Like, Helloooo… It turns out Madonna is fucking boring! Ozzy Osbourne runs on batteries! A Polish child molester won an Oscar! Rosie O’Donnell’s head has to be drained of excess fluids every twelve hours so she can fit in her car! Nicky and Paris Hilton are really the same person! You’re just drunk when you think you see both of them together! Verne Troyer, a.k.a. Mini-Me lives in and operates Dick Cheney! Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were raised by Luck Trolls! The Crocodile Hunter sometimes lets his junk dangle out of the leg of his teeny-weeny, super-tight shorts! Watch closely! If you have a randy wandering eye like I do, you might catch it! And finally, Simon Cowell successfully underwent a hysterectomy this week! Yay Simon!

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken


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