This
was an exciting week in Hollywood!
The police found Ted Casablanca
dead and missing his tongue in a West
Hollywood alleyway with six
hypodermic needles stuck in his eye
sockets, and Cameron
Diaz bought a pair of shoes!
Meanwhile, I witnessed a crusty yet
kiss-able Leo DiCaprio
eating pancakes at the Griddle on Sunset!
Jealous? You didn’t miss
much. That squinty no-talent hunk with
the ability to single-handedly destroy
a cinematic work of art wasn’t
looking his most sphincter-clenchingly
hot! What kind of trucker hat is that,
Di-Crustio? Looks like
someone has a case of the “Mondays.”
Item! Did
you know that within the next 8
years, 1 in every 30
American males between the ages of 25
and 35, including myself, will
have had robotic emotionless sex with
Tara Reid? You heard
it here first!
But wait! There’s
more! Fantastic boobs
or not, Jessica Simpson
would probably serve humanity better
as a food source!
I’m not done yet, girlfriend!
Time for a little “You
didn’t hear? Like, Helloooo…
It turns out Madonna
is fucking boring! Ozzy Osbourne
runs on batteries! A Polish child molester
won an Oscar! Rosie
O’Donnell’s head
has to be drained of excess fluids every
twelve hours so she can fit in
her car! Nicky and Paris Hilton
are really the same person!
You’re just drunk when you think
you see both of them together! Verne
Troyer, a.k.a. Mini-Me lives
in and operates Dick Cheney!
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
were raised by Luck Trolls!
The Crocodile
Hunter sometimes lets his junk
dangle out of the leg of his teeny-weeny,
super-tight shorts! Watch closely! If
you have a randy wandering eye like
I do, you might catch it! And finally,
Simon Cowell successfully
underwent a hysterectomy this
week! Yay Simon!
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken
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