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Breaking News: Jessica Simpson Critically Injured

Doctors in Good Heart Hospital outside Waco, Texas and devastated husband Nick Lachey hold quiet vigil after pop diva Jessica Simpson was left fighting for her life after suffering critical injuries while visiting her family in Texas.
 
“ Mrs. Simpson-Lachey is in stable but critical condition, it’s very touch-and-go, and we all ask that you just pray for her and her family at this time,” a press release from MTV stated.
 
Although details are slow in being released officially, a hospital staffer who wished to remain unidentified, said the singer was nearly killed early yesterday morning when she stepped out of her silver BMW today in Waco-suburb Woodway, Texas.  Apparently, winds in the area were gusting at almost 55 miles an hour and the speed of the air rushing through her head almost caused her head to explode.

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Jessica Simpson In Sexier Times

“ She was very lucky,” the staffer said.  “I’ve seen about four cases like this in my twenty years here, and miraculously each time, the victim has been saved by the generous use of AquaNet which kept her entire head from blowing apart.”
 
“ Initial tests showed that while she is still confused and not out of the woods yet, she suffered no brain damage,” the staffer continued.  “Really, we actually have yet to find physical evidence of a brain, we know one must be there, but out microscopes just aren’t that strong.”
 
Lachey spoke to fans holding vigil outside the hospital at one point yesterday and he told both of them (her manager and agent) that Simpson was confused, but generally “OK.”
 
“ She’s very confused,” he said shakily, “I’ve been playing her my songs, from the album Soulo, available in stores everywhere now, and she goes into screaming fits and starts holding her ears, it’s as if she’s reliving the terror all over again.”
 
Good Heart nurse’s aide, LaTisha Jenkins, was the only willing to go on record about the singer’s condition, “I think she lost her mind.  I brought her lunch today it was a tuna salad, but she kept saying ‘Is it that tuna chicken?  I like that.’  Then she paged me on the intercom and said something about ‘dropping kids in the pool.’  If it was anybody else, Psych would have come down to seen her already, but we know all them stars is crazy.”
 
Meanwhile at MTV, nothing has changed.  “We think this is going to bring an unseen depth to Newlyweds as we’re really going to see their love so much deeper.” MTV VP of Programming Judy Rosen said. 
 
Adam Back, president of Sony Music, called the rumors of Atomic Kitten’s Natasha Frost taking over Simpson’s remaining US tour dates, “ridiculous” and then paid Faux-Newz $500 to keep it quiet saying “Britney, Jessica, Mandy, Christina, they’re all one haircut from being the same chick anyway.”  Calls to his office to confirm the comment have gone unanswered.
 
Simpson’s agent expects the singer to be released from the hospital on Thursday to the cheers of her adoring fans and in the arms of her honey.

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NOTE: In exchange for his participation in this story, Simpson’s agent Mital Suhadi wishes to offer anyone free tickets on Thursday afternoon, $50, and the use of a hand-written sign, to participate in “Welcome Jessica Home Day,” to be held outside Good Heart Hospital not more than two hours after Nick Lachey’s plane gets back from Vegas


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