“ She
was very lucky,” the staffer
said. “I’ve seen
about four cases like this in my twenty
years here, and miraculously each time,
the victim has been saved by the generous
use of AquaNet which kept her entire
head from blowing apart.”
“ Initial tests showed that while she is still confused and not out of
the woods yet, she suffered no brain damage,” the staffer continued. “Really,
we actually have yet to find physical evidence of a brain, we know one must be
there, but out microscopes just aren’t that strong.”
Lachey spoke to fans holding vigil outside the hospital at one point yesterday
and he told both of them (her manager and agent) that Simpson was confused, but
generally “OK.”
“ She’s very confused,” he said shakily, “I’ve
been playing her my songs, from the album Soulo, available in stores everywhere
now, and she goes into screaming fits and starts holding her ears, it’s
as if she’s reliving the terror all over again.”
Good Heart nurse’s aide, LaTisha Jenkins, was the only willing to go on
record about the singer’s condition, “I think she lost her mind. I
brought her lunch today it was a tuna salad, but she kept saying ‘Is it
that tuna chicken? I like that.’ Then she paged me on the intercom
and said something about ‘dropping kids in the pool.’ If it
was anybody else, Psych would have come down to seen her already, but we know
all them stars is crazy.”
Meanwhile at MTV, nothing has changed. “We think this is going to
bring an unseen depth to Newlyweds as we’re really going to see their love
so much deeper.” MTV VP of Programming Judy Rosen said.
Adam Back, president of Sony Music, called the rumors of Atomic Kitten’s
Natasha Frost taking over Simpson’s remaining US tour dates, “ridiculous” and
then paid Faux-Newz $500 to keep it quiet saying “Britney, Jessica, Mandy,
Christina, they’re all one haircut from being the same chick anyway.” Calls
to his office to confirm the comment have gone unanswered.
Simpson’s agent expects the singer to be released from the hospital on
Thursday to the cheers of her adoring fans and in the arms of her honey.
Written
& Submitted by
Blacklabel
NOTE: In exchange for his participation in
this story, Simpson’s agent Mital
Suhadi wishes to offer anyone free
tickets on Thursday afternoon, $50,
and the use of a hand-written sign,
to participate in “Welcome Jessica
Home Day,” to be held outside
Good Heart Hospital not more than two
hours
after Nick Lachey’s plane gets back from Vegas |