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By thamike.com
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The Right To Bare Arms... And Everything Else

MUMSFORD, OH - Attorneys for 56 year-old Mumsford native Charlotte Milkinggitt say they will take her case all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary. "This is not just about the right to bare arms, and God knows we have seen tremendous bumper-sticker support for that to date, but about taking that political principle to its logical extreme ... the right to bare everything," chief attorney Iona Lott stated emphatically.

Continuing on behalf of Milkinggitt's near army of attorneys recruited from the pool of jobless leftover "Kelly Girl" legal professionals recently on-call for the Democratic party, she said, "We believe that the timing for this case couldn't be better, with national attention focused ever increasingly on both privacy and property rights.

Bare Arm
Bare Arm, Arm Pit... Hee Hee... Nipple

This is our promise to the American people: We will not rest until every arm is bared and everything bare is armed, if need be."

Downplaying concerned responses about the growing military overtones of her attorney-led organization, Lott emphasized that she in no way foresaw the need to resort to violence, especially in light of the ease with which voter sentiment and voting machines can currently be controlled, particularly in Ohio.

She repeated that the attorneys' intention in this case was to be absolutely unwavering and unwaffling, demonstrating principled leadership, decisiveness and moral authority at all turns. They are committed to their principles, she clarified, and want to let America know that they will not compromise on this important moral value, no matter what it takes.

At issue was Milkinggitt's desire to self-pleasure on her downtown Mumsford 1890's row house front porch. Authorities for D.I.M.P.L., the Downtown Improvements for Mumsford Property and Landowners association, quickly saw Mumford's lighted display of sex toys and loud moans as a threat to already declining property values in this historic but increasingly dilapidated 4-block area.

Milkinggitt's attorneys framed the issue in terms of her constitutional right to privacy and her rights under the law as a property owner. Milkinggitt claims that she bought her house with a specific intent to use the open-air front porch as an ideal outdoor location for self-pleasuring. Her attorneys claim that preventing Milkinggitt from proceeding with her intended use of the property, which is not in conflict with current zoning regulations, decreases its value to her.

Negotiations with the town of Mumsford to compensate Milkinggitt monetarily are currently in process. There were no further comments about the status of negotiations at this time from either Milkingitt's attorneys or the Mumsford Town Council.

Iona Lott repeated at a press conference this afternoon that they would consider every and any option available, including a ballot initiative. Lott refuted assertions that further action could divide an already polarized Ohio and nation at this time, stating instead that this was the one issue that could pull both sides of the country - reds and blues, together. "There's nothing wrong with reds and blues, all that's missing is the white and we have the American flag. I'm a red and blue blooded patriotic American," insisted Lott. "This issue will bring out the white by showing the connection between positions that are currently viewed as exclusively liberal or exclusively conservative agendas. It's the missing link of hope our country so sorely needs," she continued.

On further probing Lott proceeded to reveal the logic behind her passion. "We are reaching out to form a broad coalition with landowners currently fighting environmental regulations which place limits on their land-use rights. We are also reaching out to pro-choice activists in terms of support for Milkinggitt's right to privacy, that is, her right to dominion over her own body." Lott holds a very clear vision that this case could be the issue which brings liberals and conservatives, feminists and property owners together under one roof, so to speak. "

We expect broad bi-partisan support and are very hopeful about the outcome. We are also pleased to be able to provide contract employment for a wide array of attorneys and thereby decreasing the jobless rate in Ohio and nationwide, and so we are hoping for endorsement from the Bush Administration as well."The Bush Administration could not be reached for comment.

Written & Submitted by
Carah Fremont


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