O'Reilly isn't
limiting his fight card to the seventy-year
old veteran interviewer, however. Also
on the short list: Andy Rooney (who
beat O'Reilly in the AARP "Sexiest
Newsman" poll), Tucker Carlson
("a pudgy little pussy" in
O'Reilly's words), and Mrs. Elizabeth
R. Hutchins (O'Reilly's fifth-grade
English teacher, who once tried to get
O'Reilly some counseling for his temper).
"I'm bringing it old-school style,
no gloves needed," the fifty-five
year old said. "I'm out to prove
that I can go head-to-head with anybody
who dares challenge me, and I have the
stones to do it."
O'Reilly rejected claims that he was
resorting to fisticuffs because he couldn't
defeat the broadcasting legend otherwise.
He also squelched rumors that the motivation
behind his assaults would be to promote
his new line of "Factor Gear"
activewear (officially licensed "Factor
Vibrators" went on sale after the
announcement of sexual harassment charges
against him weeks ago).
"I'm just looking to square up
my opponent, see if he's a stand-up
guy or just another tool of the liberal
elite," O'Reilly concluded in his
press conference. "I'm ready for
his geriatric ass, and I just tell him
and that pansy Al Franken to 'bring
it'!"
O'Reilly then suffered a massive concussion
when his head bounced off the doorway
of the Fox News studio, when he turned
to walk back into the building. He is
expected to challenge the doorway to
a brawl shortly after recovering from
this most recent injury.
Written
& Submitted by
Trev Danger - TeeVee Guy
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