O'Reilly isn't limiting his fight card to the seventy-year old veteran interviewer, however. Also on the short list: Andy Rooney (who beat O'Reilly in the AARP "Sexiest Newsman" poll), Tucker Carlson ("a pudgy little pussy" in O'Reilly's words), and Mrs. Elizabeth R. Hutchins (O'Reilly's fifth-grade English teacher, who once tried to get O'Reilly some counseling for his temper).

"I'm bringing it old-school style, no gloves needed," the fifty-five year old said. "I'm out to prove that I can go head-to-head with anybody who dares challenge me, and I have the stones to do it."

O'Reilly rejected claims that he was resorting to fisticuffs because he couldn't defeat the broadcasting legend otherwise. He also squelched rumors that the motivation behind his assaults would be to promote his new line of "Factor Gear" activewear (officially licensed "Factor Vibrators" went on sale after the announcement of sexual harassment charges against him weeks ago).

"I'm just looking to square up my opponent, see if he's a stand-up guy or just another tool of the liberal elite," O'Reilly concluded in his press conference. "I'm ready for his geriatric ass, and I just tell him and that pansy Al Franken to 'bring it'!"

O'Reilly then suffered a massive concussion when his head bounced off the doorway of the Fox News studio, when he turned to walk back into the building. He is expected to challenge the doorway to a brawl shortly after recovering from this most recent injury.

Written & Submitted by
Trev Danger - TeeVee Guy