“We sell at least a dozen T-Shirts at every execution,” says a P. Diddy spokesman as he loiters around a chalk outline in Dayton, Ohio. The outline is of Sandra Burke, who was a 19 year-old ultra-liberal non-voter before P. Diddy gunned her down in front of her home. Her six-month-old child was sleeping inside when P. Diddy decided to keep his oft-quoted promise. Mr. Diddy has since adopted the toddler, naming her Q. Snuff. “Diddy like to keep the peace. Keep it real. He love them kids,” the spokesman says, and disappears into the house, no doubt to do some merchandising.

The current body count has some non-voters a bit worried, if not completely petrified. “I have nowhere to run,” says one non-voter from Austin, TX. “I sit and I wait. I try to lead a normal life, but I know that one day P. Diddy’s wrath will find me.” The non-voter lights his twelfth cigarette in a half hour and quivers.

This is an ongoing phenomenon with no end in sight, let alone an answer or a comment. P. Diddy has been reticent, to say the least, to offer any comment about when his murderous retribution will end. When Faux Newz called his offices, he was unavailable for comment, apparently because he was “away on out-of-state business” and could not be reached.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika