Aries (March21-April 19)
The stars say that, despite your hideous disfigurement, you will manage to find a lucrative career in the fluffer business.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
If Jesus was alive he’d totally whoop your ass right about now.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Thunderous applause and standing ovations will greet you when you are devoured by a pack of dolphins at Sea World, Tuesday.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
The stars see disappointment for you this week, when you actually realize what “the rapture” means.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Negativity surrounds you, yet you still keep accentuating the positive. This is why your co-workers are plotting your murder. The stars say it is best for you to hide your lunch and lock the lavatory stall door behind you, at least for the next week.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
A lover from long ago may contact you this week, in the form of genital warts.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
You will come to realize that your faith in horoscopes was a bit overzealous, when you are bit by the rabid dog I neglected to mention in last week’s horoscope.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You’ll learn a valuable lesson this week! Humor and farts are not great equalizers. Automatic weapons are.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Mace will factor greatly in your upcoming birthday celebration.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You will find out that you live a black-hole joyless existence when a random joyless person blurts it out at you via web-forum. Then you’ll giggle to yourself and write fake horoscopes, in the time you have when you’re not suckling iguanas.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
A pornographic pajama pattern will be a defining factor in whether or not you get promoted this week.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
In a surprise twist of fate, your life will be saved when a highly controversial, mostly hated Latin-American dictator takes a bullet for you, Saturday afternoon.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken