Gerardo, 42, is indeed unable to hold a job, having been fired from the drive-thru window of the Fort Laurdale Chucky Cheese this past month for "trying to seduce patrons with [his] Latin flavor and grinding pelvis." Sources close to the Gerardo camp confirm that the former teen idol spends his days in front of a computer at his parent's Miami residence, looking for "Gerardo message boards which he can infiltrate, to impress the members that he is actually talking to them." So far said searches have proven fruitless.

Rivera, meanwhile, is taking a break from his duties "revealing troop movements" for Fox News until the recent scandal blows over. Calls to Mr. Rivera's private residence in Scarsdale were not returned, and it is believed that he is in the Caribbean trying to persuade Billy Ocean to mount a comeback. No word is available on any progress that has been made in that effort.

For the time being, Mr. Rivera's duties at Fox are being handled by Bill "Kinky" O'Reilly.

Written & Submitted by
Trev Danger - Washington Correspondent
(seeking a merger with Carmen Electra)