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*
Wear
a
Cliff
Huxtable
sweater.
This
makes
you
look
more
thankful.
*
Go
to
the
bathroom
right
about
the
time
the
family
is
arguing
over
who
gets
to
carve
the
turkey.
This
will
prevent
the
embarrassment
and
chaos
that
ensues
when
a
buffoon
like
you
operates
an
electric
turkey
carver.
If
you
are
the
bright
child
in
a
buffoonish
family,
take
half
of
them
with
you.
*
Sometimes
you
will
be
inclined
to
take
a
date
to
your
Thanksgiving
dinner.
This
is
perfectly
acceptable,
as
turkey
isn’t
quite
enough
to
sate
the
blood-thirst
of
your
younger
siblings.
*
Stuffing
is
undoubtedly
boring,
and
frequently
tiring.
When
stuffing
the
turkey,
try
to
enthuse
yourself.
Scream
racial
epithets
and
thinly
veiled
sexual
innuendo
throughout
the
process.
It
may
unnerve
the
neighbors
but
hey,
delicious
turkey.
*
I’ve
never
understood
cranberry
sauce,
but
then
again,
I’ve
never
understood
Thanksgiving.
Give
it
all
you
got,
including
hallucinogens.
*
There
will
be
the
inevitable
football
game.
This
is
a
good
time
that
some
people
might
give
you
shit
for
enjoying.
Revisit
the
electric
turkey
carver.
Deadly
logic
will
ensue.
*
If
you
fall
asleep
before
the
game,
be
sure
to
lie
face
down.
*
Finally,
when
you
are
done
chanting
to
the
God
of
Overly-Greased
Poultry,
take
a
chance
to
remember
what
Thanksgiving’s
all
about.
Sale
at
Circuit-City
tomorrow.
Bring
a
weapon.
*
If
you
are
one
of
the
few
brave
souls
who
decide
to
prepare
a
Turducken
this
Thanksgiving,
I
strongly
advise
that
you
have
professional
turkey
restrainers
on
hand
during
the
entire
course
of
the
stuffing
process.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika
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