Aries (March21-April 19)
You would get invited to a lot more parties, if you would quit referring to yourself as “The Baroness.” 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
A gang of octogenarians have stolen your car. Don’t believe me? Check the garage. And your prints are all over it.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You will shit your pants during a wedding.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don’t listen to Frank. Always use a .38 during a bank job. With a 9mm, you don’t get the same splatter effect.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Sorry, buddy. The Palestinians fucking hate you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re fired. Collect your things and get the fuck out. We thank you for your loyalty all these years.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Those around you have much lower expectations of you this week, which means you can fart around on the Internet the entire time.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
A door opens for you in your place of employment…Just kidding. Doors open for those who remember which kind of toner to order. Asshole.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Congratulations! You know everything there is to know about old, boring Atari games. Why don’t you tell us about them?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The local weather man will unwittingly mock you and your family during his forecast, on Thursday.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You will wake up to find that it was all a bad dream. There is no such thing as war, and everything runs on chocolate.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Take off the designer trucker hat, honky. You look like an asshole.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken