Aries (March21-April 19)
Your flourescent orange hunting jacket will prove to be useless, when you are accidentally shot by Muppet hunters.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your political career will be ruined when the media discovers that video tape with you and the horse.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Kinky sex with an albino will not meet your expectations, Saturday.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
No matter what you may have thought in the past, the sounds of screaming teenage girls upon your arrival are not screams of joy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
They’re mocking you behind your back in Spanish, you know.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Everything’s going to work out just fine, as long as the sale at Home Depot means everything to you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I don't think you really want me to go on with this. Trust me, it's for your own good.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
That comment you made to Cindy in Human Resources about her weight will come back to bite you in the ass.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Look at the bright side, there are many new wonderful treatments for horrifyingly grotesque strains of psoriasis.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The majority has spoken. Please quit the street mime business.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“Copacetic” is not a word that you should use to describe your love-life, because “copacetic” is a nonsense word that only Bruce Dern and Poli-Sci professors are allowed to use.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Give me your wallet. If you turn around, I’ll shoot you. That’s it. Give it up. And the ring. Good. Count to 30 before you move. Even blink within that time, I’ll put a cap in your ass. Happy Thanksgiving, motherfucker.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken