College
Freshman Soon To Discover
His Entire Family Savagely Murdered
Mike
Howland, 1st year general studies
student at the university of
Arizona, would soon learn that
his entire family (mother, father,
two younger sisters) had been
brutally beaten to death by
unknown assailants in a botched
home invasion, while he was
attending a frat party on Saturday.
"I just don’t know
how to break the news to this
kid, this is never an easy job",
explained Officer Paul Ferns,
having been given the duty to
notify next of kin. "You
know what? I think I’m
just gonna write him a note
and leave it on his door.
"Mark, your parents are
dead".
Love, Officer Paul
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Man
Learns To Smile Again
Fred smiled today. For 20 years,
the nerve endings and muscles
in his face refused to communicate
with the emotion-electro signals
from his brain. One morning,
his eyes slowly opened as he
drifted into consciousness.
The corners of his mouth curled
upward. A flood of emotions
invigorated and made him shiver
with the postmodern excitement
one only reads about in apocalyptic
books about an obscure author's
10-year-old dream originally
scribbled down on a napkin so
he wouldn’t forget. Fred
took a deep breath. He had refused
to give up. He always believed
in the human will to feel. And
now his long wait was over.
He felt alive.
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63
Year Old Man Locks Sense Of
Direction In Car
Rodney Meren, a 63 year old
retired carpenter, returned
to his home in Sarasota California
from an afternoon of hanging
out at the local mall with several
of his friends.
Upon locking his car, he realized
something was missing. He couldn’t
put his finger on it, but he
had a feeling he left his sense
of direction in the glove compartment
again.
Grumbling to himself, he fumbled
through his keys and opened
the car door. He carefully retrieved
his sense of direction and put
it safely in his pocket.
"I'll be damned if I loose
that fucker again."
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Man
Sneaks Bible On Local
Convenience Store's Magazine
Rack
TORONTO,
ON - Rob Samson,
36, decided that he wanted to
make a half assed effort to
spread the word of god to other
people within his community.
Unfortunately , being too lazy
to "go door to door"
or "talk to people",
he took it upon himself to sneak
one of his extra bibles on the
shelf of his local convenience
store.
"Well , next time some
fat fuck reaches for the weekly
world news while nibbling on
their beef jerky, maybe they'll
see the bible and read it. If
i can convert one person towards
the word of Jesus and his gang,
then I know my job is done."
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Written by Faux-Newz
Staff Writer
Crushkill
www.crushkill.com
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