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By thamike.com
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Crushkill Quickies

College Freshman Soon To Discover
His Entire Family Savagely Murdered

Mike Howland, 1st year general studies student at the university of Arizona, would soon learn that his entire family (mother, father, two younger sisters) had been brutally beaten to death by unknown assailants in a botched home invasion, while he was attending a frat party on Saturday. "I just don’t know how to break the news to this kid, this is never an easy job", explained Officer Paul Ferns, having been given the duty to notify next of kin. "You know what? I think I’m just gonna write him a note and leave it on his door.
 
"Mark, your parents are dead".
 
Love, Officer Paul

College Kid

Man Learns To Smile Again

Fred smiled today. For 20 years, the nerve endings and muscles in his face refused to communicate with the emotion-electro signals from his brain. One morning, his eyes slowly opened as he drifted into consciousness. The corners of his mouth curled upward. A flood of emotions invigorated and made him shiver with the postmodern excitement one only reads about in apocalyptic books about an obscure author's 10-year-old dream originally scribbled down on a napkin so he wouldn’t forget. Fred took a deep breath. He had refused to give up. He always believed in the human will to feel. And now his long wait was over. He felt alive.

Ugly Smile

63 Year Old Man Locks Sense Of Direction In Car

Rodney Meren, a 63 year old retired carpenter, returned to his home in Sarasota California from an afternoon of hanging out at the local mall with several of his friends.
 
Upon locking his car, he realized something was missing. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but he had a feeling he left his sense of direction in the glove compartment again.
 
Grumbling to himself, he fumbled through his keys and opened the car door. He carefully retrieved his sense of direction and put it safely in his pocket.
 
"I'll be damned if I loose that fucker again."

Sense Of Direction

Man Sneaks Bible On Local
Convenience Store's Magazine Rack

TORONTO, ON - Rob Samson, 36, decided that he wanted to make a half assed effort to spread the word of god to other people within his community.
 
Unfortunately , being too lazy to "go door to door" or "talk to people", he took it upon himself to sneak one of his extra bibles on the shelf of his local convenience store.
 
"Well , next time some fat fuck reaches for the weekly world news while nibbling on their beef jerky, maybe they'll see the bible and read it. If i can convert one person towards the word of Jesus and his gang, then I know my job is done."

Bible Sneaker
Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Crushkill

www.crushkill.com

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