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By thamike.com
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English Language To Be Phased Out By '05

An unexpected and quite unprecedented decision was made on Sunday at a special session of the United Nations General Assembly to completely eliminate the language of English from regular usage by January 1st, 2005.
 
What would seem to have been a rather controversial vote went off without a hitch, with only India and the US voting against the referendum. Secretary-General Kofi Annan had this to say in regard to the historic cancellation: "Many times has the UN eliminated a language as a side effect of UN-approved genocide, but never just the language itself. This is quite an auspicious day for us all."
 
Surprisingly, the UK Ambassador, Sir Nigel Tufnel-Braithwaight-Upon-Balsy voted with the majority to eliminate his own mother tongue. "We Britons are so dashed tired of trying to decipher the American and Indian versions of our language that we decided a fresh start was in order. And to those who disagree, you really have brought it upon yourselves. I mean really, what's a 'blog' or a 'shizzle' after all? Quite distasteful.

Illuminati
What's A 'Blog' Or A
'Shizzle' After All?

And consider the prestige a language typically receives when considered 'dead': soon English will join Latin, Sanskrit, and Aramaic as secret languages only spoken by the illuminati. Frightfully posh, wouldn't you say so?"

Pretiraj Malelu, India's ambassador to the UN, was livid: "As Mr. Gandhi said, the only good thing the bloody goddamn English gave us in all the brutal years of occupation was a common language, and now they take it away? Now we have to go back to our previous situation, with over 1,400 languages and distinct dialects. It is certain to aggravate regional tensions that have been all but forgotten!! This is a bloody goddamn disaster!"
 
The author of the proposal, French UN Ambassador Jean-Luc Francois Batiste Dupont defended Sunday's decision: "The world will be a more peaceful place with out the swiney Americans and British gabbing in that nasty, depraved language. And think of the children: Never will another child have to learn the differences between 'there, their, and they're': never will another teacher have to look upon another child's confused face as she explains that the word 'fly' can mean an irritating insect, a means of long-distance travel, and a critical part of men's clothing, all in the same sentence! Canceling English is just the kind of progressive move we need to make in today's world. Things are confusing enough already."
 
The Japanese Ambassador, Tetsuo Knead, was more cryptic. In the effect of wasn't our known Japan-style roughing, no told blossom the nature's fate be.
 
English, spoken daily by over 350 million people, is considered one of the most expressive and varied languages in common usage today.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Tom Cox


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