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Fat Chance: Chance McKracken's Horoscope!

Aries (March21-April 19)
Taxidermizing your dead relative and having them mounted in your living room in a ferocious pose is not a great idea. Consider cremation as an alternative.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Employers will bring you good news this week. Greet them with angry skepticism.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
It might be in your best interests to try to avoid falling asleep at the wheel, Friday.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Valentine’s Day is coming up! Oh wait. Never mind.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will be nick-named “Pepe-La-Pew” after you forcibly rape an overly painted cat.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Bad news is your father died. Good news is it was the UPS guy. You didn’t like him anyway, so lighten up.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)

Wearing pleated pants will not enhance your style this week, when you are eaten by a shark.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Cocktail waitresses don’t like to be goosed. Consider this a fair warning.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You can’t afford your current cocaine habit. Please switch to crack. You wouldn’t want the bank to find out, would you?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It doesn’t matter what position they’re in. Boglins will never be sexy.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You may have been the best band leader in your high school’s marching band, but don’t you think it’s time to change out of that uniform and take a shower? Come on, your 34.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
This week will be one of unspeakable horror. I wish I could explain how, but Pisces is at the bottom of the horoscope, I can’t feel my nostrils, and my man-whore is waiting for me.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken


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