Aries
(March21-April 19)
Taxidermizing your dead relative and
having them mounted in your living
room in a ferocious pose is not a great
idea. Consider cremation as an
alternative.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Employers will bring you good news this
week. Greet them with angry skepticism.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
It might be in your best interests to
try to avoid falling asleep at the
wheel, Friday.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Valentine’s Day is coming up!
Oh wait. Never mind.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will be nick-named “Pepe-La-Pew”
after you forcibly rape an overly painted
cat.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Bad news is your father died. Good news
is it was the UPS guy. You didn’t
like him anyway, so lighten up.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Wearing pleated pants will not enhance
your style this week, when you are eaten
by a shark.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Cocktail waitresses don’t like
to be goosed. Consider this a fair warning.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You can’t afford your current
cocaine habit. Please switch to crack.
You wouldn’t want the bank
to find out, would you?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It doesn’t matter what position
they’re in. Boglins will never
be sexy.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You may have been the best band leader
in your high school’s marching
band, but don’t you think it’s
time to change out of that uniform
and take a shower? Come on, your 34.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
This week will be one of unspeakable
horror. I wish I could explain how,
but Pisces is at the bottom of the horoscope,
I can’t feel my nostrils, and
my man-whore is waiting for me.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |