Russell
Paika’s Travel Safety Tips
These days Americans have to be extra
cautious when traveling to distant lands,
to the other side of the country, and
even to the bathroom. The threat of
terrorists hijacking more airplanes
and blowing them up, or unleashing some
horrible biological catastrophe in a
public crowded place has forced Americans
to become vigilant, if not petrified.
Here are a few safety pointers that
my diligent research team has compiled
after numerous interviews with members
of the Department of Homeland Security,
and even terrorists themselves.
* Don’t travel in airplanes.
This is the most effective way of being
safe while traveling. Grab the
wife and kids and drive cross-country.
If you still feel unsafe, bring along
a quart of whiskey and a Twistee-Straw
for the road. This will at least
ease your nerves so you can better
concentrate on driving.
* If you must travel in an airplane,
be vigilant.
When you are at the airport, do you
stop to take notice of your surroundings?
Is that really a nun? Are those
real guns the National Guardsmen are
carrying? Physically examine anything
questionable like this.
* Report anything suspicious.
While waiting at the security checkpoint
to enter the terminal, loudly report
any and all odd things that you have
seen on the way there. Don’t
forget the cab ride to the airport.
I bet there was a lot of weird
stuff going on out there. If you
have seen anyone with a beard, point
him out to airport security and explain
that that man has a bomb. Sure,
you may be speculating, but there’s
no way to be sure until beard-boy has
been prodded in every orifice.
* Keep clean!
How can you be sure that a chemical
agent hasn’t already been unleashed
on board the aircraft? Bring along
a can of Lysol. Spray anything
and anyone you come in contact with.
WARNING: If you attempt to disinfect
any armed airport security personnel,
please do so when they are not looking.
* Get to know your neighbor.
Strike up a conversation with the person
sitting next to you. Casually
glean their “danger-level”
from a friendly conversation.
Drop in a “I heard you were
a terrorist” now and again.
If they react, yep: terrorist.
Inform the flight crew immediately.
* Remember, an airplane’s passengers
are a team.
Keep your fellow passengers informed
of any sign of danger. When the
landing gear are deployed or retracted,
or when the plane banks sharply, let
out an ear-piercing shriek to let them
all know. Yelp every time the
captain comes on the intercom.
If you are seated in an emergency exit
row, scream during the entire flight.
* Be ready to defend self and
peers.
If you see a white American storming
the cockpit, he or she is probably aware
of a terrorist threat. Join in
and defend your country. Get the
others to help by explaining that there
is a terrorist flying the plane.
* You’re not completely
safe when you’re on the ground.
Just because you landed without incident
doesn’t mean you are safe.
If there was anyone suspicious on your
flight who didn’t wind up doing
anything wrong, they might just be on
a transfer ticket and are planning to
blow up some other plane. Confront
airport security and repeat Step 3.
This time tell them that you saw him
trying to light his shoes on fire but
that he ran out of matches mid-flight
and resigned to sullenly watching
the in-flight movie. This will
get them moving.
Well, I hope this has been educational
and helpful. Remember, being prepared
and alert is the key to safety.
Many a safe travel to you. God
bless, and good night.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika |
