Your prayers will be answered.
Literally. On Wednesday.
Are you ready for that shit?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Penis jokes are indeed hilarious except
in your case, because you are a pediatrician
and you started drinking before noon.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
“Cancer” is your word of
the week. Seriously, it’s
malignant. Don’t let those fuckers
swindle you into a full payment.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You will kill a Gemini in the near future.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The stars say that you are a pedophile
who must be dealt with in a truly violent
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
No, unfortunately Connie Chung has never
done the “69.”
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
You will be smothered with confection
after being raped by a cake. Libras
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
When the missiles hit, you will be in
the middle of a massive orgasm brought
upon by the mere thought of the Pillsbury
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
For the last time, screwdrivers and
electrical outlets don’t mix.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Steroid-addled hens factor greatly in
your loss of life, Friday.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Wednesday, you may hurl yourself into
an oncoming truck. Or not.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Perhaps fondling alpacas should have
been a brief segue way and not a lifelong
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer