More Than Ever Before.
By thamike.com
Fat Chance: Chance McKracken's Horoscope!

Aries (March21-April 19)
Your prayers will be answered. Literally. On Wednesday. Are you ready for that shit?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Penis jokes are indeed hilarious except in your case, because you are a pediatrician and you started drinking before noon.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
“Cancer” is your word of the week. Seriously, it’s malignant. Don’t let those fuckers swindle you into a full payment.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You will kill a Gemini in the near future.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The stars say that you are a pedophile who must be dealt with in a truly violent Scorsesian fashion.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
No, unfortunately Connie Chung has never done the “69.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
You will be smothered with confection after being raped by a cake. Libras deserve this.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
When the missiles hit, you will be in the middle of a massive orgasm brought upon by the mere thought of the Pillsbury doughboy.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
For the last time, screwdrivers and electrical outlets don’t mix.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Steroid-addled hens factor greatly in your loss of life, Friday.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Wednesday, you may hurl yourself into an oncoming truck. Or not.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Perhaps fondling alpacas should have been a brief segue way and not a lifelong career

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken

© 2004 faux-newz.com - Fabricated News For The Less Than Holy!
Terms of Service: All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective owners.
Text comments posted on Tha Mike may not be reposted or broadcasted without mentioning faux-newz.com as the source.
C4 C3