More Than Ever Before.
By thamike.com
Brad Pitt Launches Sperm Bank

LOS ANGELES, CA - In what many Hollywood observers called a thinly veiled slap at estranged wife, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt told reporters yesterday that he was starting his own sperm bank. "There is nothing more important than the perpetration of the human race," Pitt declared. "Not firm abs, not shiny hair, and certainly not making four movies in the next three years. I realized this after talkingwith Nelson Mandela about world peace the other day."
Pitt, 41, revealed that the bank, which opens on Valentine's Day on Rodeo Drive, will be chartered in Delaware. He hasn't selected a name yet, but has narrowed his choices to The Pitt Stop, Helping-Hand Productions, and The Crib Club.
Voted the sexiest man alive by People magazine in 1995 and 2000, Pitt said he would rather be known as "the most fertile man alive." He emphasized that his sperm bank was not "an idle publicity stunt" or a backhanded commentary on his marriage.

Gentleman, Start Your Engine

"Like any bank, mine will have rules governing deposits and withdrawals," he said. Then he explained that women who want to purchase his sperm will have to meet rigid specifications. They cannot be more than thirty-five years old; they must be willing to sacrifice their careers; they cannot have less than 7 percent body fat; they may not spend more than 9 percent of their adjusted gross incomes on cosmetics; and they must never have starred in a television series.
Although he declined to discuss what his sperm would cost, Pitt said that women opening an account at his bank would receive a set of fine china, a director's cut of Ocean's Twelve, and a T-shirt that reads, "I'm Having Brad's Baby."
Pitt's announcement was greeted with enthusiasm by fellow actor George Clooney. "Hell, I'd have his baby if I were a woman," said Clooney. "Maybe I'll hire somebody to have one for me."
That sentiment was not shared by National Organization for Women president Kim Gandy. "It's not surprising that Mr. Pitt sees a woman as nothing more than a uterus with legs," said Gandy. "Remember, this is a man who once observed, ‘Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed.' Why he thinks he needs an audience for those activities is beyond me. Anybody who lines up to buy his sperm ought to be made to sit through Troy."
The risks of opening a sperm bank are well documented. U2's lead singer, Bono, started one in 1998, but it went out of business three years later after patrons began returning their babies because they wouldn't stop talking about themselves. Former president Bill Clinton's proposed sperm bank closed before it opened because beta testers reported that their babies kept trying tonurse from other women.
In related news, Jennifer Aniston said she would "love to have children" and as soon as her schedule permits she will begin interviewing potential surrogate mothers.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Phil Maggitti

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