any bank, mine will have rules governing
deposits and withdrawals," he said.
Then he explained that women who want
to purchase his sperm will have to meet
rigid specifications. They cannot be
more than thirty-five years old; they
must be willing to sacrifice their careers;
they cannot have less than 7 percent
body fat; they may not spend more than
9 percent of their adjusted gross incomes
on cosmetics; and they must never have
starred in a television series.
Although he declined to discuss what
his sperm would cost, Pitt said that
women opening an account at his bank
would receive a set of fine china, a
director's cut of Ocean's Twelve, and
a T-shirt that reads, "I'm Having
Pitt's announcement was greeted with
enthusiasm by fellow actor George Clooney.
"Hell, I'd have his baby if I were
a woman," said Clooney. "Maybe
I'll hire somebody to have one for me."
That sentiment was not shared by National
Organization for Women president Kim
Gandy. "It's not surprising that
Mr. Pitt sees a woman as nothing more
than a uterus with legs," said
Gandy. "Remember, this is a man
who once observed, ‘Being married
means I can break wind and eat ice cream
in bed.' Why he thinks he needs an audience
for those activities is beyond me. Anybody
who lines up to buy his sperm ought
to be made to sit through Troy."
The risks of opening a sperm bank are
well documented. U2's lead singer, Bono,
started one in 1998, but it went out
of business three years later after
patrons began returning their babies
because they wouldn't stop talking about
themselves. Former president Bill Clinton's
proposed sperm bank closed before it
opened because beta testers reported
that their babies kept trying tonurse
from other women.
In related news, Jennifer Aniston said
she would "love to have children"
and as soon as her schedule permits
she will begin interviewing potential