of What the Animals Tell Me, claims
that here lately animals have been telling
her "how freaked out they are at
seeing their owners doing the nasty.
"I was talking to a three-year-old
shih tzu at Starbucks the other day,"
said Fitzgerald. "She told me it
was unbelievably stressful to watch
her owners bumping uglies two or three
times a week."
Fitzgerald explained that small breeds
like the shiz tzu can be especially
traumatized by the sight of two people
having it off because "human genitalia
appear threateningly large to a small
dog. If you think about the difference
between a shiz tzu's penis and the average
human's penis, even the below-average
penis, you can see what I'm talking
Because small breeds cannot jump off
the bed without injuring themselves,
they have no place to hide when festivities
break out, said Fitzgerald. "The
poor shiz tzu told me that even if she
turns her head and closes her eyes,
‘They make so much noise I can't
ignore them.' I felt so sorry for that
little dog. When her ‘mother'
starts calling for God, the dog has
no way of knowing that her mother isn't
People who give pet names to their genitals
"compound the trauma," said
Fitzgerald. "This shiz tzu was
a nervous wreck because she thought
there was a bald-headed man that her
mommy was supposed to kiss hiding somewhere
under the covers."
Although she was keen to impress upon
her audience the dangers of letting
animals watch, Fitzgerald reassured
one caller from Alabama "that there
was no harm in humans watching animals
going at it doggy style if that's what
bastes your turkey."
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer