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U.S. Finds No Trace Of "Santa" At North Pole

NOME, AK - Officials from the Department of Defense have acknowledged that no trace of "Santa Claus" or his suspected "weapons of mass destruction" were uncovered in the wake of their search efforts last year. Experts were quick to point out that the search was hindered by the perpetual snowy conditions that plague the North Pole area.
 
Attempts to ascertain the location of Claus and/or his supposed stockpile of nuclear and chemical weapons began in late August, when President Bush went before the UN Security Council to ask for sanctions against "any and all parties operating out of" the North Pole. Unable to garner international support for what the Bush Administration deemed "a looming threat", American forces were dispatched to the region in early November.

Santa
You Better Watch Out, You Better Not
Cry, Or He'll Blow Your Ass Up

During a three-week campaign, U.S. forces found no organized resistance of any kind, and only a few disorganized bands of Eskimos. Even as President Bush declared "the mission is accomplished" onboard the deck of an aircraft carrier around December 1st, there were still no traces of Claus, his family, or his rumored flying reindeer to be found.
 
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld (who did business with Santa Claus in the mid-Eighties) denies that the military's lack of success in locating Claus is due in part to the fact that the mythic saint does not exist. "That's just ridiculous. I've met the man, I've sold him some American arms in the past. I know what he's hiding in that cave of his somewhere up north. We'll find him, and his cache of mustard gas."
 
The government first became concerned when, in December 2003, President Bush learned from a local weather broadcast that Santa was sighted above Washington, D.C., and "had a sack full of goodies," according to an unnamed source. Bush convened an emergency meeting of his security council and asked then Homeland Defense Secretary Tom Ridge if there was any defense In place should one of Santa's "gifts" turn out to be a nuclear bomb. Also, security details were posted at the homes of "good little boys and girls" in an effort to ambush the rogue flyer. There was no success in either effort.
 
Now, as America faces the prospect of a prolonged occupation of the region, many are questioning the legality and reasoning behind the invasion. Hundreds of soldiers are reporting to medics with severe frostbite, and there are fears that their desert fatigues will prove inadequate in the artic desert.
 
Search efforts to locate Santa's lair began as soon as the artic realm was secured, and officials are bewildered that their efforts haven't turned up more concrete results. Says one unnamed searcher, "We did locate some old Viking relics from the edge of land located nearest Norway, but nothing more recent than that or some mastodon bones a few miles from there."
 
Adds the man, "I think maybe there's no such thing as Santa Claus."
 
Bush Administration sources dispute the supposed non-existence of Santa And his fabled "toy factory", and a Pentagon spokesman announced recently that some definite remains of what the CIA believed was a "possible manufacturing hub" were located not far from the magnetic True North. However, many independent sources believe the reports are false or misleading.
 
Some blame the failure to locate any weapons or reindeers on intelligence reports that have since been called into question. Others believe the U.S. is purposely trying to divert attention from its failure to capture the elusive Easter Bunny, a hare merchant who reportedly deposits candy from house to house every April. They argue that President Bush and his cabinet, unable to bring the Bunny to justice, decided to settle an old score with Claus.
 
"It's a well-known fact amongst Bush researchers" said longtime Bush researcher Bullock T. Hightower, "that George W. Bush blames Claus for his father's failure to be re-elected in 1992. Thus, he was just looking for an excuse to take Claus down."
 
At press time, there was no word on how the armed forces would pacify the growing insurgency amongst a race of little people unique to the region (known as "elves"). Administration officials also had no comment on reports that Santa's cache may have been smuggled across the border to Russia.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Trev Danger, Washington Correspondent (It's a Living)


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