During a three-week
campaign, U.S. forces found no organized
resistance of any kind, and only a few
disorganized bands of Eskimos. Even
as President Bush declared "the
mission is accomplished" onboard
the deck of an aircraft carrier around
December 1st, there were still no traces
of Claus, his family, or his rumored
flying reindeer to be found.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld (who
did business with Santa Claus in the
mid-Eighties) denies that the military's
lack of success in locating Claus is
due in part to the fact that the mythic
saint does not exist. "That's just
ridiculous. I've met the man, I've sold
him some American arms in the past.
I know what he's hiding in that cave
of his somewhere up north. We'll find
him, and his cache of mustard gas."
The government first became concerned
when, in December 2003, President Bush
learned from a local weather broadcast
that Santa was sighted above Washington,
D.C., and "had a sack full of goodies,"
according to an unnamed source. Bush
convened an emergency meeting of his
security council and asked then Homeland
Defense Secretary Tom Ridge if there
was any defense In place should one
of Santa's "gifts" turn out
to be a nuclear bomb. Also, security
details were posted at the homes of
"good little boys and girls"
in an effort to ambush the rogue flyer.
There was no success in either effort.
Now, as America faces the prospect of
a prolonged occupation of the region,
many are questioning the legality and
reasoning behind the invasion. Hundreds
of soldiers are reporting to medics
with severe frostbite, and there are
fears that their desert fatigues will
prove inadequate in the artic desert.
Search efforts to locate Santa's lair
began as soon as the artic realm was
secured, and officials are bewildered
that their efforts haven't turned up
more concrete results. Says one unnamed
searcher, "We did locate some old
Viking relics from the edge of land
located nearest Norway, but nothing
more recent than that or some mastodon
bones a few miles from there."
Adds the man, "I think maybe there's
no such thing as Santa Claus."
Bush Administration sources dispute
the supposed non-existence of Santa
And his fabled "toy factory",
and a Pentagon spokesman announced recently
that some definite remains of what the
CIA believed was a "possible manufacturing
hub" were located not far from
the magnetic True North. However, many
independent sources believe the reports
are false or misleading.
Some blame the failure to locate any
weapons or reindeers on intelligence
reports that have since been called
into question. Others believe the U.S.
is purposely trying to divert attention
from its failure to capture the elusive
Easter Bunny, a hare merchant who reportedly
deposits candy from house to house every
April. They argue that President Bush
and his cabinet, unable to bring the
Bunny to justice, decided to settle
an old score with Claus.
"It's a well-known fact amongst
Bush researchers" said longtime
Bush researcher Bullock T. Hightower,
"that George W. Bush blames Claus
for his father's failure to be re-elected
in 1992. Thus, he was just looking for
an excuse to take Claus down."
At press time, there was no word on
how the armed forces would pacify the
growing insurgency amongst a race of
little people unique to the region (known
as "elves"). Administration
officials also had no comment on reports
that Santa's cache may have been smuggled
across the border to Russia.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Trev Danger, Washington Correspondent (It's a Living)
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