Aries (March21-April 19)
Becoming “gainfully employed” has nothing to do with gorging yourself on Cheez-Whiz.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Flattery will get you nowhere, yet mockery could quite possibly earn you a hand-job. They’re always better when your partner’s angry with you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Blaming the Teletubbies’ influence for the horrific and brutal murder of your family will prove fruitful, as Mark Geragos is your attorney.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Wearing the Klan hood on the airplane will open up your eyes
to a whole new world of interesting people. People who’ll subsequently kill you with their carry-on luggage, Monday.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
They might have made fun of you in the beginning, but your’s actually does go to 11.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Everyone says you are truly the greatest kisser. However, your loved ones , as well as several professionals, insist that you vacate the sloth cage at the City Zoo.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
“Incontinence” has absolutely NOTHING to do with geographical savvy.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Your week will end in tragedy when it finally dawns on you that “Encino Man” not only sucked, but it made you suck ,too.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will wake up next to a well oiled Paul Reubens impersonator on Saturday. The weird part is that you will be disappointed that he is not in fact, Paul Reubens.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Life will become a bit more complicated this week, when your furniture gets fed up with you and moves out, taking the pets with them.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’d probably have fewer “Kafka dreams,” If you weren’t a distant relative of Franz Kafka. Or ate pizza right before bed.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Next time you stand up for your rights, make sure you check how much ceiling space you have first.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken