*** Now I realize that a homeless person won't be reading this online.
Do your part as a good human being and print this up and pass it
around to all the "No Homies" you see out there. ***

Living on the streets or in the park doesn’t mean you have to be cold or uncomfortable. But you will have to make changes to the way you dress, eat, drink, think, and behave to be comfortable out in the wonderful winter weather. Attitude is critical; if you think you©ˆre going to be cold, you will be, but if you focus on what you’re doing (and follow these guidelines), you may not even notice the cold.

Trogdor's guidelines:
1. Dress warm
2. Eat warm
3. Drink warm
4. Think warm
5. Be warm

Remember the word "COLD" and you won©ˆt be:
Keep Clean
Avoid Overheating
Wear Layers
Stay Dry

"Dressing for warmth" means dressing in layers. No... Not layers of newspaper either. In cold weather, you'll have to use the newspaper for starting fires or wiping your ass because that's all it's good for. For best results use fabric. You can find good fabric in lost and founds all over the place. Thrown out furniture can be ripped apart for use as well.

"Eating warm" means that you should at least try to start a fire and heat up that partially eaten hamburger you found in the dumpster. The good thing about it being so fucking cold is things won't rot so easily, so there's a good chance you won't die of food poisoning, however this is a great chance you'll freeze to a park bench.

"Drinking Warm" means even thought that half a bottle of night train you found might warm your insides up, you should still find an idling car somewhere and hold that bottle to the tail pipe until the owner comes out and kicks your ass. You'll see a warmed up liquor really makes those cold nights cozy and not as long as they can be. It's great to be plastered!

"Thinking Warm" means stop being such a fucking pussy and suck it up. You know it's cold, so does everyone else. Fact is you have an advantage over everyone else. You're outside all the time so you handle it better. If you think you're lying on a warm sewer grate in Miami instead of one in St. Paul, then things won't seem so unbearable. Plus if you did what I told you to with your booze, you'll be able to fantasize about somewhere warm a lot easier.

"Being Warm" means that if your kind to strangers on the street you may be able to benefit from your pathetic demeanor and their kindness. Open doors and help people carry things. By moving around you will be warmer and perhaps you'll be able to stand in a building vestibule for a minute or two. At the least you'll get some quarters most likely. If you do, go lay on the subway for while, or go get some more booze. Yeah, it may kill you, but something is going to eventually anyway, so live it up.

If you don't agree with my helpful tips or they don't work for you, you could always commit a crime and get put in prison or god forbid your could get a job. Remember no-one will hire you if you keep yelling that Blue Goo tastes better than the Viet Kong all the time.

By the way... Yes, I do realize I am an insensitive, ignorant fuck.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Trogdor