”Although Sharkey's certified instructors have been teaching drivers for over 70 years,” the Sharkey's spokesman said, “People often get us confused with Shecky's. When I tell friends that I am a spokesman for Sharkey's, they say, 'isn't that a bar guide?' Now that Sharkey's and Shecky's have teamed up, there will be no confusion-- we are here to show people the coolest places to drink excessive amounts of alcohol and then drive home in a vehicle, whether it be a car, motorcycle, truck, school bus, or Class B tractor trailer.” A Shecky's spokesman agreed: “Now assonance isn't the only thing uniting these two companies.”
 
With ready access to one of the most sophisticated public transportation programs in the world, New Yorkers have long been resistant to the idea of driving home after a long night of drinking. However a Shecky's/Sharkey's spokesman promises this will change. “Shecky's lists the newest, hippest, most exciting bars and clubs. And Sharkey's uses only late model, fully cleaned and inspected vehicles. It is a match made in heaven.” As part of the partnership agreement, Shecky's will now supplement its popular lounge, bar, and club guides with driving maps. It will also replace its previous “Shecky's Pick” logo, a smiley face, with a graphic depicting a smashed vehicle. “Our goal is to help our readers become as skilled at drinking and driving as the average off-duty cop or fireman.”  Writers for the guide are excited about the change: “Whereas before we were told to avoid all mentions of driving under the influence in our goofy, pun-ridden 300-word-or-less bar reviews, now we can run rampant with Chappaquiddick references.”  Writers are currently drawing sticks to see who gets to review Motor City Bar, a Detroit-themed bar on the Lower East Side. Others are hoping for not-so-obvious assignments. “There's this cool sports bar in Murray Hill called The Joshua Tree. I hope they let me do that one so I can write something about wrapping a car, motorcycle, truck, or school bus around a Joshua tree.”
 
Sharkey's, which boasts the highest pass/fail of any auto driving school in New York City, hopes that its students will enjoy a similar pass/fail ratio with Breathalyzer tests. “Sharkey's uses only dual control cars-- meaning our certified instructors are always helping to operate the vehicle, even if their reasoning will now be too impaired by alcohol to do so in a safe and legal manner.”
 
Sharkey's will also revise practice questions in its road test study guide:
 
A diamond-shaped sign is:

     a) a speed limit sign
     b) a road hazard sign
     c) probably actually a rectangle or a circle-- you are too smashed to tell the difference
 
You come to an intersection that has a flashing red light. You should:

     a) come to a full stop and proceed only when it is safe
     b) stop only if there are cars approaching the intersection
     c) breeze through the intersection and head to Sushi Samba, where east meets South American and cold fish is served in a warm environment.

Written & Submitted by
Daniel Maurer - danielmaurer.net