• If you are
lucky, you have a basement. This is
where you may put your “Holiday
Tree” without upsetting members
of the ACLU, who are camped out in your
driveway.
• Remember, not everybody celebrates
the birth of Christ, so you might want
to rethink your holiday greetings. “Happy
holidays” always works for me,
but some people are sensitive to the
word “holidays,” especially
those who work in retail. Try “Happy
Robert Blakemas” or “Happy
Income Taxmas.” Even “Happy
Poquito Mas” will do. You get
the idea.
• Get drunk and eat a lot. That
way you will be even more offensive,
you insensitive slave of The Nazarene.
• Remind everybody that Santa
and the tree and all that are traditionally
Pagan. Watch them blink at each other
for a few seconds. Then invite them
to a Blood Orgy.
• I strongly urge caution among
those of you who pride yourselves on
your elaborate X-Mas displays. Some
of you try to make every Paganmas brighter
and more festive than the last. This
will only anger the heathens more, and
you might find yourself face to face
with a hulking Robo-Jew. Robo-Jews do
not negotiate.
• This year, stockings should
be worn on the face to conceal the identity
of you and your children. You wouldn’t
want to be the object of public scorn
would you? Think of your child being
stoned in the streets by the Army Of
Kwanzaa or Joe Lieberman or, dog forbid,
Osama bin Laden himself! The horror,
indeed.
• Children are not very good at
keeping secrets. You wouldn’t
want them running their mouths off to
their teacher about what they’re
getting forCrackmas or anything, right?
Convince them that it’s cancelled
this year, then surprise them on the
25th of December. Kids love it when
this happens.
• Finally, if all the stress of
not trying to offend anyone becomes
unbearable, you can always move to Paris.
I know, I know. Remember when you didn’t
need me to tell you how to celebrate
Kornmas? Remember when nobody could?
When they wouldn’t dare? And if
they did, they’d probably get
lynched by an irate mob of Cosby sweater-wearing
hausfraus?
Don’t worry, my friends. Look
on the bright side, Jews go to bed early.
Around 4 in the afternoon. That’s
when you and yours can kick Gary Colemanmas
into full gear.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika
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