ATHENS,
GA - High school teacher
Scott Rice was in the midst of teaching
his chemistry class when, while still
teaching, he walked across the classroom
to the desk of a talkative Gary McDonald
and laid five across his eyes without
any warning. Gary, bewildered and confused,
began to question Mr. Rice's actions,
and promptly got another smack across
the face. This time, he had learned
his lesson: “Shut the fuck up.”
This is Georgia school systems' daring
new education program aimed to increase
test scores and overall classroom performance
in action. Dubbed “Shut the fuck
up before I smack you one,” it
is the result of research confirming
that the leading cause for undesirable
performance among students is pure laziness
and inability to close their damned
mouths for two seconds to learn anything.
But while beating on his students like
he's the LAPD may solve the problem
of talkative students, his beatings
alone won't cure their unwillingness
to do any work.
“Fixing that is what they call
'phase two' of the program,” Mr.
Rice explains. “
“You see, if the student is to,
for example, not turn in their homework,
I smack them around a few times, and
the beating doesn't end there. We make
arrangements for every one of their
teachers in the following periods, their
bus driver, the parents of every home
they walk by on the way to their house,
and then their own parents to beat the
living shit out of them. Didn't turn
in your homework? Well, don't expect
to go two steps before going down faster
than Christina Aguilera.”
The program has been very successful
so far, with a 100% turn-in rate for
homework, at least 70% higher test scores
throughout all of his classes, and practically
no disruptions, and with a death rate
of only one out of every twenty-three
beatings.
“And we didn't spend one penny!”
Chimes principal Lance McDowell. “In
fact, the school system overall has
earned hundreds of dollars by beating
and mugging disruptive students. It's
a win-win situation.”
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Michael
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