FORT BRAGG, NC - During the past year, over 200 of the soldiers from Fort Bragg have went AWOL, up from 100 last year. The upsurge of military deserters is becoming a concern among military officials, who can't seem to figure out the reason for so many of their soldiers going missing.
 
“I'll tell you why,” former Fort Bragg soldier Hunter Thomas states, “I'm not going to go play 'shoot the dune-coon' and get my ass blown up in Iraq. War against terrorism my ass, I live in North Carolina. What are they going to blow up? The Crown Coliseum? Who are they gonna send Anthrax to? Elizabeth Dole? Fuck this, I don't care. I don't even know why we're fighting. My God, why the hell do we have to pick fights with the shittiest countries? Can't we invade Jamaica just once?”
 
Ft. Bragg Sergeant Jack Williams sympathizes with deserters.
 
“I served in Desert Storm, okay? I know what it's like. It's hot, 'Satan's asshole, R. Kelly's nuts on your face' hot, and if you run out of baby powder for your balls, it's over. You might as well shoot yourself where you stand because you're going to be spending too much time trying to pry your balls off your thigh to notice landmines.  They do have a lot of sexually repressed women though. Maybe if the soldiers knew more about that, they'd flock to Iraq.”
 
As soldiers continue to go AWOL and never return, coupled with the rising death toll every day in Iraq, we asked Colonel Sandford if the situation brings any feelings of worry or anxiety.
 
“Well, no. They have to run out of suicide bombers at some point, right?”
 
Sure they do.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Michael