Usually
an item, automobile, or hairstyle would
have to pass through the dreaded "Only
if You're an Androgynous Rockstar"
and the "Maybe, if You Are Like,
Johnny Depp or Somebody" designations,
which usually mark an item off-limits
to most men. The "Completely, Unalterably
Gay" brand is the death knell for
most items, and is usually associated
with the likes of Nathan Lane, Tom Cruise,
Rip Taylor, J. Edgar Hoover, and other
over-the-top queen types. The considerably
more tame "Cool if you can pull
it off" stamp is more butch, with
associations to George Clooney, Tom
Petty, and Courtney Love.
"We have been watching a lot of
old James Bond films as part of our
research here," says Colin Strong,
spokesman for the US Arbiter Of Taste,
located in Kenosha, Wisconsin. "And
Sean Connery practically LIVED in a
bathrobe when not in his tuxedo. Sean
Connery is ALL man, for crying out loud.
We concluded that a change in status
was overdue, and made the decision.
Now, we're not saying that Mark Paul
Gosselar or Ewan Macgregor should start
parading around in robes, but if you
are a normal, straight guy you should
feel way more comfortable wearing a
robe now. Sometimes these things are
overlooked by the general public, and
we are here to focus attention on issues
like the gender-status of the bathrobe
in America. It's all in a days work
here at the USAT."
The redesignation is predicted to generate
a 70%-90% increase in male bathrobe
usage in the US this year alone, with
a 15% to 25% increase annually until
bathrobes become gay again.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Tom Cox
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