MOBILE, AL - Last week video game violence reached a new plateau as 12-year-old Jake Schimick was shot in the face by the amazingly powerful plasma laser gun of his favorite video game action hero, Captain Kill Fuckers. Schimick and his best friend, 13-year-old Chris Kaminski, were playing the new release, Captain Kill Fucker Kills Everything in the World, when the realism hit home.
 
“The Captain just turned towards us and shot Jake in the face, it was awesome. His brain splattered all over the wall and couch. Luckily I got out of the way in time,” said Kaminski. He added, “I think Ms. Cindy (Jake's mother) was pretty pissed. When she came home from her secretary job, she didn't even ask me what happened; she just put her half-smoked cigarette out on my arm, took a pull of Wild Turkey, and smacked me with the back of her hand.”
 
Violence in video games has been a hot button issue for the past decade, as the video game industry has spawned into a multi-billion dollar a year industry. Mary Welling, president of PUDRAG, which stands for People Unified and Determined to Regress Action Games, said in a press conference, “I look out there and I see my kids playing these fantasy action Nintendos, and I think that we should get them better self-pacification devices to keep them from asking us parents tough questions. These devices should also not have violence.”
 
“There is no doubt that the Captain is the man,” said Jake's friend Chris, “I guess Jake just should have been a little quicker on the draw.”
 
He added,  “I can't wait to go out and pound the shit out of kids who are smaller than me, you know, just like the motherfuckin' Captain does. Hell yeah!

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