Aries (March21-April 19)
Clenching is a good idea in theory, but not with this guy, you sweet little piece of starfish chicken.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your relatively comfortable lifestyle will come to an end, when Betty White sues you for copyright infringement.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You have a bad ass pickup truck. This would be cool, except for the fact that it’s cherry-red and you have named it “Sun-Goddess.”

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don’t over-work yourself, this week, while taunting that fat girl.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will learn the hard way that the mulcher is not a compatible mating choice.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your many years of hopelessly following your horoscope will finally come to an end! You will, in fact, get killed by a bus this morning.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Shhh! Do you smell something?

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Have you ever noticed how infuriating that as-of-yet-still-obese Jared asshole in the Subway ad is? Yeah, I know. Old news.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Of course she’s cheating on you. Didn’t you notice that her bra and panties didn’t match? Duuuuhhhh….

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Talent lies in the hearts of all humans. Unfortunately, you are a tapir.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Would you quit screaming “NIGGER!” at the top of your lungs while burning a Confederate flag? Now, nobody knows who gets to kick the shit out of you. Not even the police, though I think they might get more votes.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Despite the fact that your future hangs on the balance of a mundane choice that you will make today, the only advice I can give you is to set it on Medium High and use that new spicy peanut sauce.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken