| Aries
(March 21-April 19)
The power of Christ compels you. Buy
a velvet painting of Him this week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Tragedy strikes again when your girlfriend
attempts to remove your horrific looking
herpetic sores while you sleep.
With a grapefruit spoon.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Getting frisky with the ladies at your
local public pool is sometimes acceptable.
Next time, try the pool that has the
deep-end in it, mmkay? The county won’t
warn you again.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Your spouse is cheating on you. Yes,
it’s exactly who you think it
is. You know where the power tools are.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will be called to the witness stand
more times than you expected. This will
be partly because your family is nuts
and pretends that the dinner table is
a court in session.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Aerosol Cheez-Whiz will factor greatly
in your untimely demise, Tuesday.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Everything’s coming up roses!
The world’s my oyster!
Just peachy!
Have a good one!
These are just a few expressions that,
if used, could get you killed this week.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Helping terminally ill children shows
what a compassionate person you are.
If only they knew that while they die,
you are screaming at a Starbuck’s
employee about the half & half content
in your Mochachino, and talking on your
cell phone at the same time.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
“Pleasing your mate” will
take on an entirely new meaning, this
week, when you become captain of a pirate
ship. A fabulous pirate ship.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You will vote for anyone but Bush.
You will vote for anyone but Bush.
You will vote for anyone but Bush.
You will vote for anyone but Bush….
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Having the perfect mentor for your profession
should be a great idea. However,
your mentors are Prince George’s
Co., Maryland police officers, and your
profession happens to be getting shot
in the back by them.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Despite the fact that nobody loves you,
and rarely notices your presence, the
cake will taste good, and hey, you’ll
be able to move out soon.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |
