Aries (March21-April 19)
The bleeding will subside. Take an Aleve and pray.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Being declared “safe” by the Department Of Homeland Security is not a good pick-up line.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
No, dog-sex does not prevent cancer.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Choose your words carefully this week, when you stab your boss with a letter opener.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
With Mars Behind Uranus, you will wonder about the amazing possibilities when candy and assholes become friends.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Stop doing so much cocaine. Your friends and employees are all quite aware of your problem.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Can hamsters fly? This is one of the many quagmires you will solve this week.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
All your life’s troubles will be solved when Britain’s Beagle 2 Mars rover crashes into your head, Sunday.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will lose this week’s wet t-shirt contest, primarily because you are a man.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Remember, when things get rough, when you are feeling blue, there’s always excessive drinking.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You will be the cause of much clamor and recognition in the world of science, when you are fatally bitten by a spider previously thought extinct.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Right now, the police are surrounding your house. Thank God you are at work. Clock out and move to Spain.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken