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By thamike.com
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Russell Paika’s Most Ridiculous Moments Of 2003

This year has been quite a tumble for some. For others, it’s been a disaster, and for even fewer, an unbridled success. Well, as far as I’m concerned, it has been absolutely ridiculous. Ridiculousness is a good thing, as we Americans are short on it, judging by the numerous attempts of Americans trying to top each other in the ridiculous category. Let’s look at a few moments in the history of 2003 that made us weep, cry, or go fetal with hysterical giggles of primal fear and self loathing.

1. Finding Saddam
This was probably the coolest thing I have seen on the news other than the taking of Baghdad. Watch the wolfman as he pets his lousy beard and sells out all those he promised redemption (let alone lots of money) to a bunch of guys who went to Oklahoma State. This is the blinding light of American retribution at its brightest. The best part is that he was found in a hole with an American weapon and some popular American publications. Some people want to make it sound like he was a porno hound, but I think it was just for toilet paper. After all, he only had six copies of The New Yorker on him.

2. Michael Jackson Arrested On Numerous Child Molestation Charges
This was just silly. Didn’t you see it coming? I did. What I didn’t see coming was how horrifying that man looks these days. Seriously, look at that God-awful horse-face. It’s enough to scare Julia Roberts away from an Oscar. Of course, Hollywood freaks who are internationally known for alcoholism and domestic violence rallied around Horse-Face, in probably the largest backlash against those who wish to suppress those that have the particular urge to bugger children and turn themselves into mutants with prosthetic heads.

3. Madonna Kisses Britney And Christina
This is about as interesting as watching lint collect on the balls of a cat.

4. Robert Blake In Prison For A Crime He May Or May Have Not Committed
What the fuck are they doing to this guy? It’s been almost three years and no one knows when he will be tried for a crime that the prosecutors only have circumstantial evidence on. He’s been held without bail, and not even a preliminary has been held. I don’t know if he did it, But I never will, if they don’t stop jerking the poor bastard’s dick around. Seriously, why does Horse-Face get to do his video in another fucking country, while someone who doesn’t fuck cancer riddled children after getting them drunk rots in the clink? America: The New France.

5. Bush Lands On Aircraft Carrier In New “Dumbass Duds”
This was just embarrassing. It was all editing. The guy can’t even work a zipper correctly.

6. Let’s All Go To Mars!!
What’s with this Space Race thing that the U.S., China and even small tribal factions in Manila are trying to get in on? We’ve lost the Beagle2, which can only mean the absolute worst for whatever poor bastard designed the Beagle1. I’m beginning to think that there is no Mars. No wait, that’s so obtuse. What I meant to say is, “Fuck Mars.” When we actually get a human in the White House, then I’ll start worrying about Mars.

7. Schwarzennegger Grabs California Statehouse
Only in America will you see an over-puffed ass-grabbing immigrant son of a Nazi officer elected into office. I would have voted for the porn star but, oh well.

8. Kobe Bryant Accused Of Rape
One of the most admirable pro-basketball players in America not only cheats on a wife whose absolute hotness can probably facilitate peace on Earth, but he actually has to rape a hotel concierge with mental problems. Way to go, asshole. If your wife needs a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be on stand-by.

9. Martha Stewart Commits Rich White Asshole Crime
At least her cell will be bursting with holiday decorum. Be warned, she’ll probably make a shiv out of cranberries and prison linen.

10. China Shoots Man Into Orbit
About 40 years too late, China proudly conquers the heavens. Showing that they are truly a progressive republic, the Chinese government decides to forgo the old Soviet tradition of fatally launching dogs into the stratosphere, and goes right for the throat, sending some poor bastard to do the job. Still no word on how to get him back to the Earth’s surface.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika


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