This
year has been quite a tumble for some.
For others, it’s been a disaster,
and for even fewer, an unbridled success.
Well, as far as I’m concerned,
it has been absolutely ridiculous. Ridiculousness
is a good thing, as we Americans are
short on it, judging by the numerous
attempts of Americans trying to top
each other in the ridiculous category.
Let’s look at a few moments in
the history of 2003 that made us weep,
cry, or go fetal with hysterical giggles
of primal fear and self loathing.
1. Finding Saddam
This was probably the coolest thing
I have seen on the news other than the
taking of Baghdad. Watch the wolfman
as he pets his lousy beard and sells
out all those he promised redemption
(let alone lots of money) to a bunch
of guys who went to Oklahoma State.
This is the blinding light of American
retribution at its brightest.
The best part is that he was found in
a hole with an American weapon and some
popular American publications.
Some people want to make it sound like
he was a porno hound, but I think it
was just for toilet paper. After
all, he only had six copies of The New
Yorker on him.
2. Michael Jackson Arrested
On Numerous Child Molestation Charges
This was just silly. Didn’t
you see it coming? I did.
What I didn’t see coming was
how horrifying that man looks these
days. Seriously, look at that
God-awful horse-face. It’s
enough to scare Julia Roberts away from
an Oscar. Of course, Hollywood
freaks who are internationally known
for alcoholism and domestic violence
rallied around Horse-Face, in probably
the largest backlash against those who
wish to suppress those that have the
particular urge to bugger children and
turn themselves into mutants with prosthetic
heads.
3. Madonna Kisses Britney And
Christina
This is about as interesting as watching
lint collect on the balls of a cat.
4. Robert Blake In Prison For
A Crime He May Or May Have Not Committed
What the fuck are
they doing to this guy? It’s
been almost three years and no one
knows when he will be tried for a crime
that the prosecutors only have circumstantial
evidence on. He’s been held
without bail, and not even a preliminary
has been held. I don’t know if
he did it, But I never will, if they
don’t stop jerking the poor bastard’s
dick around. Seriously, why does
Horse-Face get to do his video in another
fucking country, while someone who doesn’t
fuck cancer riddled children after getting
them drunk rots in the clink?
America: The New France.
5. Bush Lands On Aircraft Carrier
In New “Dumbass Duds”
This was just embarrassing.
It was all editing. The guy can’t
even work a zipper correctly.
6. Let’s All Go To Mars!!
What’s with this
Space Race thing that the U.S., China
and even small tribal factions in Manila
are trying to get in on? We’ve
lost the Beagle2, which can only mean
the absolute worst for whatever poor
bastard designed the Beagle1.
I’m beginning to think that there
is no Mars. No wait, that’s
so obtuse. What I meant to say
is, “Fuck Mars.” When we
actually get a human in the White House,
then I’ll start worrying about
Mars.
7. Schwarzennegger Grabs California
Statehouse
Only in America will you see an over-puffed
ass-grabbing immigrant son of a Nazi
officer elected into office. I
would have voted for the porn star but,
oh well.
8. Kobe Bryant Accused Of Rape
One of the most admirable pro-basketball
players in America not only cheats on
a wife whose absolute hotness can
probably facilitate peace on Earth,
but he actually has to rape a hotel
concierge with mental problems.
Way to go, asshole. If your wife
needs a shoulder to cry on, I’ll
be on stand-by.
9. Martha Stewart Commits Rich
White Asshole Crime
At least her cell will be bursting with
holiday decorum. Be warned, she’ll
probably make a shiv out of cranberries
and prison linen.
10. China Shoots Man Into Orbit
About 40 years too late, China proudly
conquers the heavens. Showing that they
are truly a progressive republic, the
Chinese government decides to forgo
the old Soviet tradition of fatally
launching dogs into the stratosphere,
and goes right for the throat, sending
some poor bastard to do the job.
Still no word on how to get him back
to the Earth’s surface.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika |