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*
Editor’s note:
Due to the fact that Mr. Trogdor spent
the last 6 days dead for tax purposes,
he neglected to write this article last
week. Faux Newz apologizes for any boring,
lonely, mind numbingly
depressing Valentine’s Day suffered
by any individual who could have used
this advice in a TIMELY MANNER. *
So what
if this year Cupid finds you alone,
don't fret you fucking loser. I have
romantic ideas to keep you happy all
by yourself!
A Night Of Self-Pampering
Grab a bag of cheese curls, a box of
tissues a bottle of hand lotion and
pop in your favorite porno on DVD. There
is nothing better than eating cheese
curls and jerking off 5 of 6 times while
watching T, A & P digitally.
A Night On-line
Order take-out, put on your favorite
romantic music, wear your favorite comfy
clothes and join your favorite on-line
chat! There is always a chance you might
get some cyber sex. Fuck it man, if
you can't get any chicks to do it with
you, act like one and find some other
loser and help get each other off. No
one will be the wiser.
Have A Single's Party!
Get your loser friends to bring over
their loser friends and perhaps something
might happen. It’s doubtful, there
is a reason why you have no one, but
you never know. Alcohol can make anyone
look fuckable. At the very least you
can all get drunk together are cry about
your pathetic loneliness.
Go To A Single's Mixer
Many singles organizations hold single's
parties on or near Valentine's Day.
Find one from your local city guide
or paper and take the first step to
finding Mr. or Mrs. Right! Of course
I’d try the first 3 options first,
can you imagine the geeks at something
like this…
Do Something Creative
Paint a picture, grab a camera and take
photos of your penis. Make a craft you've
been meaning to try, or cook that dish
you've been wanting to. If those don't
interest you, try learning how to make
computer graphics or a web page. Whatever
it is, find something you really have
wanted to try, but haven't for whatever
reason. Fuck, it doesn't matter, it's
not like you're going to be getting
any anyway. Do something to keep your
mind busy, jerk off and then go to bed.
Tomorrow is another day to feel sorry
for yourself.
So what if you aren't the lonely loser?
You say you have a date and you want
to make sure you get your Valentine's
Day nookie without a single hitch! Below
is my checklist of things you should
consider when planning your Valentine's
Day!
1. Make sure your date
has off from work, because quite frankly
if she or he works, you won't be getting
any.
2. Ask your date what
they like. You're not going to get any
if you don't do what they like, unless
of course you're paying for it.
3. Don’t just
pick up your date and say, "Are
You Ready To Fuck?"
4. Don’t be a
dumbass & fuck everything up because
there will be no sex for you if you
do.
5. Get something nice
and thoughtful as a gift a 12 pack of
Trojans and a giant black dildo will
not do the trick.
6. When the sex finally
does come if you over think it you'll
either not be able to get it up or you'll
come in 15 seconds. RELAX! You don't
want to look like a jackass, do you?
This Valentines day you may be alone
or with someone… Either way let
the coming begin!
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Trogdor
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