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Fat Chance: Chance McKracken's Horoscope!

Aries (March21-April 19)
Your foray into the world of political correctedness will hit a brick wall, When you realize it is 2004 and nobody cares.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Chickens will factor greatly in the comical yet fatal menu selection you make, Wednesday.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
I understand that the journey to “find yourself” is of great importance, but please do it in the privacy of your own bathroom.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
I gave you gonorrhea.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
All the bad karma you have built up throughout your life will come back to you at the same time, due to an accounting error.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You will find love on Friday. Love with a national monument.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
You will come to realize that the recurring dream you keep having, in which you get fisted by Rick James and the Olsen Twins, is not a dream, but reality. Yet you will still be confused as to whether or not you enjoy it.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
I know. I know. How the hell were YOU supposed to know there were wild apes in the day care center? That’s what they all say.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
When at the drive-thru window, try to hide the fact that you are masturbating, this week.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Everything you thought was important in life will change, when you become McDonald’s new advertising demographic.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You will learn a valuable lesson about peeling a scab too early upon completely unraveling yourself, Tuesday.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You gave me gonorrhea!

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken


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