Aries (March 21-April 19)
Serious priorities, such as food and sleep, will be cast aside only to be replaced by a deep fascination with a partially exposed, if saggy and far overdue Jackson teet.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This just in: The ladies don’t want to hear about your Taye Diggs infatuation.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Your life will end violently, when others discover that you and only you are to responsible for the M&Ms losing their colors.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don’t be bashful. Grannies love oil rubs.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
In a rare moment of clarity, your suicidal tendencies will become homicidal tendencies.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Dropping acid never hurt anybody, but despite what you think, Dr. Kevorkian did it on his days off.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Travel to a distant land is in your forecast, as Bush has already reinstated the draft.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Don’t fret when you are diagnosed with zombiism. Zombies are way cool.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re so sexy in them skin tight britches makin’ folks crash into ditches.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Steroids aren’t all bad. Just look how much your child has improved in pottery class!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Now that Jupiter is aligned with Neptune, You will have an epiphany! That’s right! You suck.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Serious priorities, such as food and sleep, Will be cast aside only to be replaced by a deep fascination with a partially exposed, If saggy and far overdue Jackson teet. No, this is not a typo. It happened to you too, loser.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken