* Don’t drink alone. People who drink alone, commonly known as alcoholics, are prone to getting into fights with strangers. This is ungentlemanly. Save fist fights for weddings and funerals. Then you will be just considered a “drinker” and everything will be all right.

* Drinking and driving can be perilous. If you notice, upon approaching your vehicle, that you can’t aim for the keyhole properly, use both hands. While driving, if vision is impaired, try covering your left eye with your left hand. If this doesn’t work, try using the right. WARNING: always keep one hand, or in the case of emergencies, one knee on the wheel at all times.

* Getting a bit loose and irresponsible on St. Patty’s Day is perfectly normal. The trick is to ensure that none of your friends is carrying a camera. In doing this, use violence as a deterrent. You’ll thank me for this advice.

* Sometimes, heavy drinking can be unhealthy. If you pass out, pass out facing down.

* On the day after, if your friends confront you with a photograph of you having sex with an extremely ugly person, tell them it was the best you’ve ever had. This will make ugly people look good, and will vindicate you from public scorn. Trust me.

* Pissing in the fountain is legal. You just might have to wait in line.

* If you don’t wear green for the entire week surrounding St. Patty’s Day, you’ll go to Hell.

* If you pinch random people who aren’t wearing green on St. Patty’s Day, you are probably going to the emergency room.

* If you crash your car. Just leave it on the side of the turnpike. Someone will clean it up.


Well, I hope these pointers will be helpful! Happy St. Patty’s Day! Erin Go Bragh!

Don’t piss on the gnomes! Don’t get after me Lucky Charms! And if you see me passed out, please turn me over on to my stomach.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika