Aries
(March21-April 19)
That horribly infected spider
bite did not give you super powers.
Go to the fucking doctor. It’s
starting to stink.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’ll finally begin to understand
how to rationaliz certain disturbing
Chinese customs, when you are devoured
by a pack of small Asian dogs.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
An argument you will have about a definition
of a simple word, will cause you
to re-think your life, and ultimately
shoot yourself in the mouth.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Come on kid, quit being such a cunt.
Give that poor rabbit some fucking cereal.
Seriously, when he finally snaps, I
sure as hell won’t be in the room.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your life, and everything I have told
you about it, will become absolutely
meaningless, upon the discovery of a
13th constellation.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Congratulations! You can officially
quote anything related to Monty Python!
And now you can officially stop!
You’re life just might depend
on it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Spelling errors factor greatly in your
grisly demise, Wednesday.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Upon some serious introspection, you
will realize it is high time to masturbate
again. And smoke some more cigarettes.
Yeah, that sounds good.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Did you know that little thing in the
back of your throat is called a “uvula?”
It’s true. Now, could you
please remove it from my dog’s
penis?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Belting out a Broadway tune is a great
way to greet the morning. And
get clubbed to deathby normally
reasonable people.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
No, the Kiddies’ Karnival is NOT
the ideal place for a balloon fetishist
to be.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Choose your words carefully this week,
when you brutally murder your co-workers.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |