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By thamike.com
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Fat Chance: Chance McKracken's Horoscope!

Aries (March21-April 19)
That horribly infected spider bite did not give you super powers. Go to the fucking doctor. It’s starting to stink.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’ll finally begin to understand how to rationaliz certain disturbing Chinese customs, when you are devoured by a pack of small Asian dogs.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
An argument you will have about a definition of a simple word, will cause you to re-think your life, and ultimately shoot yourself in the mouth.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Come on kid, quit being such a cunt. Give that poor rabbit some fucking cereal. Seriously, when he finally snaps, I sure as hell won’t be in the room.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Your life, and everything I have told you about it, will become absolutely meaningless, upon the discovery of a 13th constellation.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Congratulations! You can officially quote anything related to Monty Python! And now you can officially stop! You’re life just might depend on it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Spelling errors factor greatly in your grisly demise, Wednesday.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Upon some serious introspection, you will realize it is high time to masturbate again. And smoke some more cigarettes. Yeah, that sounds good.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Did you know that little thing in the back of your throat is called a “uvula?” It’s true. Now, could you please remove it from my dog’s penis?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Belting out a Broadway tune is a great way to greet the morning. And get clubbed to deathby normally reasonable people.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
No, the Kiddies’ Karnival is NOT the ideal place for a balloon fetishist to be.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Choose your words carefully this week, when you brutally murder your co-workers.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken


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