The History of the
Blowjob
By Rob Terrell
As Seen On www.vgg.com
Most people don't
know it, but the blowjob was
invented in 1972. It came out
of the New York "swingers"
scene. The American government
supported the blowjob movement--it
was seen as a way to get the
average American back to work
in a shorter amount of time.
Before 1972, America workers
spent an average of 80 hours
a week in sexual congress with
their wives.
The blowjob, although originally
invented by bored drug users
as another way to kill time,
was seen by the government as
a tool to increase productivity.
"With the Blowjob, workers
spend less time in the sack
and more time at their desks,"
said Spiro Agnew in his role
as the White Houses' first Oral
Sex Czar. In fact, it was soon
discovered that workers could
receive a blowjob while still
sitting at their desks, but
few workplaces actually implemented
this innovation. Agnew, for
all his official power, could
not get desk-based blowjobs
for the hard-working White House
staff. (Several senior Senators,
however, did manage to find
the necessary funds in their
budgets.)
Deep in the throat of the cold
war, the blowjob was just the
lever America needed to topple
Communist Imperialism overseas.
But what had the five-star generals
in the Pentagon quivering, however,
was not the expert attentions
of the secretarial pool, but
CIA field reports of a top-secret
Soviet mechanized blowjob machine.
The size of a football field,
more than powerful enough to
relieve an entire platoon of
Red Army regulars in under four
hours, the Pentagon saw this
as the most immediate threat
to national security.
General Curtis LeMay famously
declared the "oral sex
gap" and a crash program
to build an American blowjob
machine was begun deep in the
Nevada desert under the dual
expert guidance of Edward Teller
and Dr. Harold Kinsley. Several
billion dollars were poured
into DARPA (the Defense Advanced
Research Projects Administration)
but, after three years of trying,
DARPA admitted failure when
a visiting General LeMay was
better serviced in a nearby
brothel than by the machine
itself. In a final memo to President
Ford, LeMay decried DARPA's
work as "better suited
for masturbation than oral satisfaction"
before committing suicide, fearful
that this great nation would
crumble under the sated Red
Menace.
(After the end of the cold war,
several generals from both sides
met in Geneva. It was revealed
that the "Blowjob machine"
was nothing more than another
Soviet maskirovka: empty inside,
constructed of nothing more
than cardboard; soldiers engaged
in congress with the machine
were coached on the proper facial
expression to affect for the
passing U-2s and spy satellites.
The DARPA project was never
fully shutdown and later became
known as the DARPAnet, which
was the foundation for today's
Internet.)
In America, it was a time of
experimentation. Other orifices,
such as the ears and nose, were
explored for their sexual potential.
Ad campaigns and public-service
announcements on radio and television
tried to attract a skeptical
public:
"'Blow' is just a figure
of speech."
"The nose knows a good
time."
"Stick it up your nose."
-- a popular slogan until it
was appropriated by cocaine
users
"Just the wax, ma'am"
-- Joe Friday from Dragnet did
the ads for Aural sex
Blowjobs became government-supported
under the administration of
Gerald Ford, who was given the
first nationally-televised blowjob
during his 1975 state-of-the-union
address. "Wow, that's great!"
said an enthusiastic Ford. American
productivity shot upward during
the Ford administration, in
part thanks to hordes of American
women who worked hard to keep
their men working--and got a
government check to boot.
The program lost favor in the
Reagan years when it was discovered
that gay men could use the technique
as well. Reagan's oft-heard
stump speech told of a government-supported
woman, "a welfare queen
who used her blowjob money to
buy Cadillacs and even foreign
autos." (While seemingly
apocryphal, this story seemed
true enough that several Cadillac
dealers offered reduced prices
to blowjob-givers, to "keep
them buying American.")
But the program could never
be killed, even under Reagan.
Casper Weinberger fought tooth
and nail to keep it. "I'll
give government cheese to poor
people before I'll give up blowjobs."
Finally, the government paid
out its last blowjob check under
George Bush, who quietly closed
the program down. The last blowjob
in America was given in the
waning months of 1989. An era
had ended.