The social security
program has been a covenant with wage
earners for 70 years. But now Federal
Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, has
warned congress that there are insufficient
funds for the benefits that people have
come to expect. Retirement will have
to be deferred for many Americans, Greenspan
says.
The rules are changing In the middle
of the game for those who thought they
were paying for their retirement insurance
with FICA taxes. Almost simultaneously,
the administration launched "small
steps" a plan to encourage overweight
Americans eat more fruits and vegetables
and park their cars yet further on the
outskirts of the Wal-mart parking lot.
Coincidence or master plan? Recently
uncovered tapes and transcripts from
a conservative think tank may hold the
answer.
Director
of Domestic Virtue (DDV):
Trend one- Retirement. It is the position
of this administration that the government
should not be meddling in the private
affairs of citizens in their Golden
years.
Suddenly and unexpectedly too many people
expect to retire as an excuse to stop
working. Then they try to claim Social
Security income. Greenspan went up to
the hill and said benefits will need
to be curtailed. Was there any outrage
about broken promises? No. It was hardly
mentioned.
Everybody knows how cumbersome and inefficient
the Social Security bureaucracy is.
These outmoded, socialistic ideas started
back in the thirties during the Roosevelt
Administration. Let's not forget that
under Roosevelt we had a depression
and people were genuinely suffering.
Why? Because captains of industry were
unfairly restrained by a growing bureaucratic
class. Roosevelt's depression was associated
with great uncertainty in the financial
markets.
I know Social Security was a popular
program. You could argue that it makes
sense to set aside some earnings as
insurance against old age and infirmity,
but shouldn't it be done privately?
What we have today is paternalistic,
condescending and inefficient. I know
what you’re thinking: Social Security
was a sacred promise but, remember,
this was not a promise that we made.
Director
of Public Information (DPI):
Here’s the take-away message:
we went from a time of rugged individualism,
self-sufficiency and accountability
to doling out food stamps, housing subsidies,
college loans, and paying for people’s
trips to the drugstore. What's next,
a tax credit for flat panels on eBay?
DDV:
Not on my watch. This administration
is about self-reliance, individual responsibility,
personal accountability and above all,
fairness.
Senior Analyst
of Conspiracy Affairs (SACA):
The timing here is very curious.
It strains credulity to think that every
Joe Six-pack with a coupon for Depends
is suddenly turning to the state for
a fancy retirement.
DDV:
It just shows the inherent weakness
of big government.
Coordinator
for Conservative Commerce (CCC):
The investor class is busy creating
a new economy. Today's innovators should
not be hamstrung by a bunch of dead
democrats to subsidize the whole bankrupt
system. Social Security forces productive
citizens who are themselves neither
old nor sick, to subsidize those who
might be better off left to the law
of natural selection those people seem
to love so much.
DDV: The
same people who neglected to save enough
for their own retirement. New Deal,
new age, incontinent hippies. It is
not only too expensive but it actually
discourages work from an entire class
of people based solely on their age.
CCC:
It smacks of class warfare. These entitlements
create a parasitic underclass of leftist,
liver spotted losers.
(Gap in tape)
CCC:
God forbid we actually delivered the
money we promised . . . where would
we get the resources to transform the
Middle East? I don't have to tell you
what the stakes are if the Arabs don't
start sharing the blessings of freedom.
Foreign
and Military Affairs (FMA):
We simply can't fight Osama and his
boys with a bunch of old fat people
in shorts with black socks sitting watching
Fear Factor.
DPI:
Trend 2. Not only are older people becoming
more numerous, they place a disproportionate
strain on the health-care system. That's
why we are advocating health-care savings
accounts. Where does it say anything
about Lipitor in the Constitution? It's
a vicious spiral because senior citizens
today do not die the way traditional
Americans used to. Modern technology
means that people spend more and more
time in the dying phase of their lives
and therefore a corresponding decreased
time contributing. This leads us to
trend 3: lifestyle changes.
The expectation that government will
cover retirement costs and medical bills
is compounded by another disturbing
development. Gentlemen, I don't know
any other way to say it. There is an
unprecedented increase in Americans
becoming too fat. And if science has
taught us anything it is that when obesity
combines with an aging population, dependent
on socialized medicine, a nation can
not long endure. This is our challenge,
gentlemen. This is our perfect storm
. . . a swollen population of old, fat
and sick people demanding help from
a government which created the problem
in the first place.
If you think motor homes and pharmaceuticals
are expensive just wait until we have
to pay for insulin, liposuction and
Pilates classes. We can’t infantilize
this country. We have to show them how
small steps in diet and exercise and
personal responsibility are their only
hope.
CCC:
Pilates? If that isn’t social
engineering, I don’t know what
is.
DDV:
Too many people are living too long,
taking too much medicine and eating
too many cheeseburgers.
Intern:
You can't blame people for wanting to
live longer.
DDV:
They should have made preparations.
DPI:
It is the perfect storm, but what is
the answer?
DDV:
Some have advocated for expensive retraining
programs. But what good is it to train
Americans for jobs if they have to commute
to Beijing or Bangalore? Now here's
the brilliant part. Given that we have
too many old, fat, sick people and not
enough jobs, and given that retraining
is not a real option, the only solution
is this: people can take a page from
the Good Book. Love thy older, fatter,
sicker neighbor. Faith-based, home-centered
rest home jobs for everyone.
DPI:
Democrats will call it irony.
DDV:
Gentlemen I give you Operation Enduring
Bedpan.
DPI:
Truly Morning in America
Intern:
With a Sponge Bath
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Lyle Graham |