More Than Ever Before.
By thamike.com
Russell Paika's Prom Tips

It's Prom Season! Tuxedoes! Ball Gowns! Limos! Rohypnol-laced punch! Whenever I see those young strapping date rapists and soon-to-be pornstarlets with raccoon-eyes hooting out of a limousine window or tripping over their gown and scraping their knee on the sidewalk and screaming in agony, I get nostalgic for the prom.

I remember my prom almost as if it happened 8 years ago. My date, well call her Brad, wore a beautiful white dress. I was in a snappy tuxedo. We had a lovely dinner at Chuck-E-Cheeses, and danced all night to the wonderful sounds of Aphex Twin. In the morning, after an all night romance fest during which five couples copulated unprotected in the Jacuzzi, I woke up next to her mother. Ahh The Prom! Lend me your ears and I will let you in on Paikas secret to a successful Prom. Or I just might sew them into my Flesh-Mask.

"Russell Paika Helped Us,
He Can Help You Too! So Listen Up."

The most important part of the prom is your date. Dates must be selected carefully, as they are the ones youll knock up and have to marry. Take your parents for example. Did they pick the right prom date? Try to pick a nerd. Nerds are smart and they put out easily and more skillfully. Plus they are usually late bloomers and will look better in a few years.

Next is attire. What will you wear? Ladies, men dont respect an ensemble made solely of electrical tape. Mix in some glue and noodles. Gentleman, the tuxedo is the norm, but many young men have opted for the retro-cool Zoot suit. If you do this, you are an idiot, and I will personally ruin your prom by beating you with a claw hammer.

Dining etiquette is absolutely paramount. Never ever bitch slap your lady friend in view of the Wendys Drive-Thru. Some of those people are good Samaritans, and might call the police. Wait until youre safely parked behind Wal-Mart where no one will see you.

Drinking alcohol is as old a prom staple as the prom itself. But dont spoil your prom by acting like a savage drunken fool at the dance. Wait until you are at the designated after-prom house. That way, the police will be able to find more accessible parking.

For some of you, drugs are important to your prom night. Try to stick to designer drugs like cocaine, methamphetamines, and crack. Trust me, high school proms are NOT the place for LSD. Try it if you dont believe me. It will be a nightmare youll never fully wake up from.

The After-Prom. This is the place and time that will determine if you had a wonderful high school prom. This is where romantic gestures are either accepted, or horribly rejected. Men, when making the first move, try to be as smooth as possible. Be a gentleman. Gently rub her knee, dont claw at it like a rabid bonobo. (I learned that lesson the hard way.) When going in for the kiss, keep your eyes open. You dont want to miss. In fact keep your eyes open wide the entire time. Women love that. The rest will follow smoothly. Some of you might have stage-fright regarding the first move. Thats perfectly normal. If you find yourself struggling for that come-on line, I find that the use of a sock-puppet as a mediator helps. Just make sure you jump in at the right moment. You wouldnt want that scheming little puppet getting all the action, would you?

Well, I hope these tips make your prom as successful as mine was. And if you do wind up engaging in coitus, please use sexual protection. A popular form of contraception is prayer. Remember: relax, have a good time, and ALWAYS leave a tip for your dates parents. Have a wonderful time, kids!

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika

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