WASHINGTON, D.C. - In closed-door sessions Tuesday, Republican leaders of both the House and Senate met to discuss the soon-to-be-finalized business deal which would give them the patent on patriotism. Spokesmen for the Republicans said that the deal had been in place for some time, but fundraisers this past month have finally put them within range of achieving their goal.

This is a great moment for us, and our country, said Senator Trent Lott, Republican from Mississippi. We can soon lay claim to that most basic of empty gestures, all-American patriotism.

President Bush released a statement praising the efforts of the party to corner the market on the commodity of patriotism, and lashed out at his Democratic opponent John Kerry for criticizing the move.
John Kerry just doesn't know when to quit, the statement from the president said, and pretty soon, he won't be able to call himself 'patriotic', even though he did serve in Vietnam. He probably just went over so he could talk bad 'bout our troops.

The movement to lay sole claim to patriotism began in the early Eighties, when documents released this week revealed that Ronald Reagan began making inquires about the availability of patriotism's copyright. Unfortunately, the Iran-Contra scandal and wife Nancy's craze for astrology distracted him one second too many, and the idea was scrapped.

Beginning with the election of Bill Clinton in 1992, however, the move to reclaim patriotism as a part of Republicanism's long and shameful history began again in earnest. Says Bush mouthpiece and closeted homosexual Sean Hannity, The desire to lay claim to something that couldn't be tarnished by Clinton and his dirty, disgusting, enormous, juicy....his administration, yeah, administration, well it was just so big....just so important that we on the Right decided to renew our God-given right to claim patriotism as our own. And to dance naked in the streets, hand in hand with our boyfriends and not ashamed...please don't tell my wife.

Newt Gingrich appeared on the local Sunday talk shows in the mid-Nineties calling for his party to lay claim to patriotism, but many disregarded him as an idiot and didn't understand that he meant it in literal terms. After the September 11 attacks, however, with a Republican in the White House and ceaseless attempts by those on the Left to appear less hostile for fear they'd piss off the rednecks in their voting districts, the capital for investing in patriotism was suddenly available.

Said Condeleeza Rice in between lies during her testimony before the 9/11 commission, I think it's important for the American people to know where our parties stand. By the way, we just bought patriotism, so screw you.

Simply buying the entity that is patriotism is just the beginning, promises former White House spokesmen (and current Ari in Tha Houz urban website owner) Ari Fleischer.

We plan to go into marketing 'patriotism' as a uniquely Republican concept, with bumper-stickers, t-shirts, collector mugs, and countless other tacky novelty items emblazoned with the slogan 'If You're Not A Repub, You're Not A Patriot'. Also, our campaign ads will compare Bush's 'patriotism quotient' (a theoretical figure designed to gauge a person's relative love of country) to Kerry's. Now that we've got dibs on patriotism, of course, you can see who will win that one, Fleischer said, cackling wildly.

The Democrats are up in arms over the Republicans co-opting patriotism, but Bill O'Reilly has pointed out their mistake: We're not 'co-opting' it, we're buying it fair and square. Talking Points think the Democrats should stop whining and get back to doing what they do best...whining.

Full attention is being given to a new view of American history which will account for the Republican Party's claim of legitimate right to patriotism. Wartime presidents who were Republican (Abraham Lincoln, William McKinley, Richard Nixon) will be shown as more reverent to the institutions of their country (never talking back to others, always doing what they're told, never hiding anything from the public). Meanwhile, Democrats in the same position (FDR, Lyndon Johnson, Truman) will be depicted as wiping their asses with the flag, urinating on the mothers of soldiers sent off to endless combat, and cavorting with unsavory types at various bars around Washington.

We're really excited for this opportunity to beat the Democrats at their own game, Fleischer contended in a press conference, wearing FuBu gear and sipping back on a Wild Turkey. We'll be the shit now, and the Dems is gonna have to come up with something to try and beat us on.

The buy is not totally sown up in the Republicans' favor yet, however, but a recent merger with the Evil Empire from the Star Wars saga should give the party all the money it needs to seal the deal. Look for Toby Keith to perform the officially-sanctioned anthem of Republican patriotism, Fuck You If You Vote Democrat at the all-Republican Fourth of July Celebration on the Washington Mall.

Meanwhile, in related news, John Ashcroft is close to revising the Constitution to ban Democrats from speaking or thinking contrary to the Administration's policies.

Written & Submitted by
Trev Danger
Washington Correspondent (It's a Living)