“I offer my deepest apologies to those poor dust bunnies that suffered in this tragic mistake.”

So far 7 soldiers have been charged with criminal abuse in the ongoing Abu Ghraib scandal.

President Bush was also generous with his apology. “America stands for freedom, not abuse. I personally will ensure swift justice to those that would lay a foul finger on the head of any rag-headed heathen Ali-baba worshipping fly swatting terrorist,” he said during a press conference on Monday. “I am truly sorry that we look like jackasses right now.”

General Ricardo Sanchez has also promised to take measures to prevent further abuse.
“At the request of the Pentagon, I have ensured that no bearded ingrate will be disrobed, and that every soldier will be prohibited from carrying a digital camera. We need to nip this in the bud.”

Although many have called for the resignation of Rumsfeld, President Bush has said he has no such intention. “Secretary, you’re doing a great job. This country owes you a debt of gratitude.” As of press time, it has not been said whether or not this country owes Bush a debt of gratitude, but the information will be forthcoming.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika