Aries
(March21-April 19)
Bitches, man. Bitches.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Newton’s Law Of Gravity factors
greatly in the loss of your pet, Wednesday
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You will be arrested for attempting
to milk a squirrel.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Despite your over use of semi-colons,
you are not any less gay.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Cigarettes? Sure. Liquor?
Sometimes. Babies, however never just
“fall of the truck.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You will be assassinated on Sunday.
This will be because you wear a fanny-pack.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chill your tuna casserole overnight.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You may not have lost any friends when
you mentioned your strong attraction
to Alanis Morissette, but please keep
your thoughts on Lynndie England to
yourself, dumbass.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will die a horrible death when your
eye surgeon sneezes while operating
on you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You have a knack for siphoning gasoline,
but you should know by now that horses
don’t run on gasoline.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The pandemonium that ensues every time
you eat might have something to do with
the fact that your understanding of
the digestive system is backwards.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
No matter what the nice news anchor
lady says, cicadas are flesh eating
psychics from the bowels of Hell.
Tell the children.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |